


the politics of waiting for the right time

by margoB



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Slow Burn, possibly?, soft rue with soft lexi, they're gay it's fun, whole lot of pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-03 19:56:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20458598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/margoB/pseuds/margoB
Summary: lexi is in love with rue, and she has been for a long time.  rue is oblivious and lexi pines and they help each other, maybe they hook up with each other, and they fall together eventually.honestly, i'm kinda crossing each bridge as i get to it, but since i have BCE (big clown energy), i'm writing a rexi fic.





	1. Chapter 1: Lexi Drinks Too Much and Rue's Shoes Pay the Price

**Author's Note:**

> im a slut for childhood friends to lovers. what can i say?

When looking over the events that comprised Lexi’s life (a life which was not always easy by any means and was, in fact, often very painful), Lexi could confidently say that she handled the majority of it with grace. Sure, here and there, she would let some part of herself slip, like the time she pretended to have a date to freshman formal so that Rue would teach her how to kiss (though that was another story altogether), but mostly, mostly, she felt she kept herself together, composed even.

So, at winter formal when Lexi decided to let loose a little bit, she figured everything would go about the same as it always did. She would tag along with Cassie and Cassie’s friends that she actually liked but didn’t necessarily feel close to, maybe dance a little if the whole group went onto the dance floor so she could still keep a little bit of cover, and if there was an after party, maybe she’d even find herself there. If not, she could call it an early night.

She was a simple girl and was fine having a simple night. Though before leaving the house, she did sense a note of something in the air. Something different. Maybe it was just the edgier look she went with and was having second thoughts about. Whatever it was, it left her mind quickly, slipping down her throat with the Gatorade and everclear.

Lexi didn’t begin to suspect that the night would be different until Rue left the table looking for Jules and then slowly but surely, everyone had run off besides herself and Cassie. It was only then that she realized her stomach felt very warm and fuzzy, or, was it her head that felt fuzzy? Yeah, it was her head. Unless, it really was her tummy? When she was overcome with the urge to pat her head and rub her stomach at the same time, the answer came to her. She was drunk.

In that drunken state, she felt good. She wouldn’t lie, she could see the appeal to doing it more often. And Cassie was there! She loved Cassie, even on the rare occasions that they fought. And she hated that boys were always taking advantage of her. Stupid boys. Stupid McKay. Should she fight McKay? Like physically? It seemed like a good idea, and her above-normal blood-alcohol content was making her feel strangely strong. Like if she fought McKay she might even win. But, he wasn’t there, so she settled in with the fact that it would have to wait.

Because her drunken state didn’t allow her to linger on one thought for too long, she realized again who else wasn’t at the table.

Whenever Lexi wasn’t with Rue, she felt like she could finally let her go. She could accept the fact that Rue was in love with Jules and Jules possibly loved her back and that was that. But, all it took to change her mind was one glance at Rue’s face, catching her eyes in the hall, even just seeing the same shade maroon of the hoodie she always wore threw Lexi for a loop. Every time the reaction was instantaneous.

Lexi guessed love usually was. Instant. World-shattering.

And, boy, did Rue look good that night. The lights catching the glitter under her eyes made Lexi’s breath catch and only hearing Rue’s voice could set the earth in motion once more. The feeling couldn’t last long though because after Rue left the table, she didn’t come back. Lexi didn’t want to be the fool that chased after someone who was chasing someone else.

But she was, at least most of the time. A fact of life, Lexi thought, she was a fool as certain as something like gravity or the tides or the confidence she had that she was going to physically fight McKay the next time she saw him. (God, that everclear shit was poison.)

It’s not like she didn’t try to be interested in other people (specifically other girls), it’s just, no one did it for her like Rue. Did she just need to give it a chance, though? Really put herself out there for once? Maybe the cure to Lexi’s ailments was in a drunken hookup. There was only one way to find out.

She found herself scanning the dance floor from the table for members of the fairer sex that looked approachable enough for Lexi to actually make a move. Unfortunately, she had a feeling that the alcohol wasn’t helping with her gaydar whatsoever because everyone looked horribly straight, and it was exhausting.

Fed up, but mostly tired, Lexi turned to her sister, “How do you decide who you wanna hook up with?”

Cassie looked surprised, probably because Lexi didn’t open up about crushes very often, if at all (the reason being that it was only ever Rue).

“I don’t know, they usually just come to you,” she replied softly, maybe in hopes of avoiding scaring Lexi off the topic, but also seemingly pondering the question in her own right.

Lexi felt she should have known that Cassie would speak to her own experiences. Boys always came up to Cassie; she would never have to approach them herself. Lexi understood where her sister was coming from, but she wasn’t exactly part of that world. She needed something more specific.

A mix of her hand roughly pressing into her jaw and the everclear still making its way out of her system, Lexi almost slurred her next words, “Yeah, but what if they don’t?”

Cassie leaned in slightly and without hesitation she said, “Then you go do whoever the fuck you want.”

At first, Lexi was satisfied. That’s the exact answer she was looking for. She didn’t need Rue, she could go for anyone she wanted.

But, she realized, that was the exact catch wasn’t it? She didn’t need Rue, but she wanted her. Bad. And if Cassie’s advice was to go and get (wording be damned) whoever she wanted, shouldn’t she go for the person it always was? The person she would always want, no matter the effect on her heart or soul or the very fabric of the universe (forgive her, in her drunken state apparently she became a bit hyperbolic).

So, she would go for Rue. As soon as Lexi could find her.

It didn’t take long for Lexi to realize that Rue and Jules were gone and had most certainly left together. Lexi had told Cassie that she had to use the restroom, then promptly went in search for Rue.

Lexi hadn’t necessarily lied to Cassie, she did check the bathroom first, but to no avail. Next, she peeked outside, but there only a few couples that had obviously decided to grind on each other in the fresh air instead of the stuffy heat of the dance floor. After that, she forced herself to weave through the dance floor just in case Rue was somehow hiding her five foot ten self somewhere in the herd, but her suspicions were confirmed. Rue was gone, and Jules was missing too.

She slinked back to the table and slumped down in her chair, dropping her chin back into her hand and inspecting her nails instead of meeting Cassie’s gaze.

Cassie asked, “Didn’t find who you were looking for?”

Lexi looked up at her sister, then. She should talk to Cassie more often. Though it seemed like they spoke constantly, especially living together and all, maybe it wasn’t about the things that mattered as much. “No,” she said quietly. “I didn’t.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Cassie took a deep breath and when she released, Lexi thought her eyes looked glassy.

“Hey,” Lexi said, “Let’s get out of here. I want a burger or chicken nuggets or both. And a shake. And maybe fries. It’s my treat.” She stood up, knocking her chair backwards and hardly waiting for an answer. She knew that that was exactly what her sister needed.

Cassie wasn’t as quick to her feet, but she was following nonetheless and if Lexi had looked close, she would have noticed a small smile on Cassie’s lips.

“Alright,” Cassie said, “But I’m driving. You’re so fucking gone.”

Lexi only laughed, all talk of going to get whoever she wanted left behind in the hormonal sweat permeating the air of winter formal.

Hanging out with Cassie proved to be a great distraction from thinking about she (Rue) who must not be named (RUE). Sure, when a certain song came on the radio in the parking lot of the diner where they were eating their respective junk, Lexi might have gotten a flash of Rue’s eyes in her mind. And a whiff of Cassie’s McCafe iced coffee brought on thoughts of Rue’s full lips wrapped around a Starbucks straw.

But besides those really little, tiny disruptions in her head, Lexi felt great. Talking with Cassie came really easy when she wasn’t so focused on McKay or whatever boy was around that week.

Don’t get Lexi wrong, she would never shame Cassie for her various hookups and dates. But Cassie always put these boys above and beyond herself. She did whatever they said and whatever they asked (and sometimes didn’t ask. Just took). And Lexi was always there if and when it fell apart.

It was nice, that was all. Being able to share parts of herself without sacrificing any to the needs of others.

Honestly, it was even better that they weren’t talking about anything of significance. In fact, their deepest conversational moment came in the form of a debate about whether or not kids should have to learn cursive in school. Lexi said yes. Cassie said no. Shocker.

In Lexi’s defense, cursive had some kind of romantic air about it. Writing a letter to a star-crossed lover in cursive just packed so much more heat behind it. But, in Cassie’s more logical defense, cursive was honestly kind of dumb, and it made more sense to use school hours for productive learning that would be practical in the real world. Lexi thinks maybe the world underestimates her sister.

Everything was going so well (the extent of wellness actually quite astonishing to Lexi) until Cassie had to bring up their earlier conversation as they were finally making their way home.

“So,” Cassie started, “Speaking of star-crossed lovers, who did you have in mind when you were asking me about how to tell who you wanna hook up with?”

Lexi missed the liquid courage that had been pulsing through her at the dance. A lump in her throat prevented any sound from escaping her lips, so she gave a noncommittal shrug instead.

Cassie must have seen Lexi’s struggle because she continued. “You don’t have to tell me, Lexi. I get it. But if you do ever feel like telling me who you were talking about, my door’s always open.”

Lexi missed the point. “We share a room.”

“Dude, I know. I’m just saying. You have me. It doesn’t always have to be about other people. Okay?”

Lexi knew Cassie was right, but it was hard. She liked being nice. She liked to think it was her thing. In her mind, everyone kind of had a thing. And if she had a thing, then she’d be remembered in some way, even if it wasn’t often or people couldn’t remember her exact name. They would say, “Yeah, do you remember that Lena girl from high school that helped me home from Daniel’s party that time? That was nice.” And she would have existed to someone else if only for a moment.

Maybe it was time to have more than a moment of existence.

“Thanks, Cass. That means a lot really. Next time I want something, I’ll try not to sit around too long.”

And in the exact millisecond that those words rolled out of Lexi’s mouth, Cassie pulled into the driveway, and Lexi saw Rue sitting on the Howard’s steps with her head in her hands. She lifted her head and stood up when the headlight’s lit up her face, igniting the glitter that used to be neat under her eyes but seemed to have become a little more abstract throughout the night.

“Is that Rue?” Cassie squinted at the slender figure moving towards the passenger side as she cut the ignition.

Lexi was speechless once more. What was Rue doing there? And where was Jules? Did her absence have anything to do with the glitter-laden tear tracks on Rue’s cheeks?

Lexi got out of the car just as Rue had reached her. Rue gave a small smile that Lexi could tell was hiding a whole lot of hurt, but she still smiled back. It felt like something familiar.

A warm feeling filled her stomach (love, Lexi thought) and then moved up her throat, threatening to fill her mouth and yep, that’s not love. Lexi bent over and threw up all over Rue’s shoes.

It wasn’t pretty. Lexi had eaten a lot of food just minutes before, so it just kept coming. Rue jerked back quickly enough that only the first wave hit her, thank god, but Lexi was stilly horribly embarrassed.

Once the flow stopped long enough for Lexi to speak, she rushed to apologize to Rue, but Rue just shook it off quietly. She was chill like that. But something was definitely wrong. When Lexi finally looked up from her hunched over position, Rue was backlit, light from the moon shining out from behind her head, turning her flyaways into a halo highlighting her face.

Lexi thought she had never seen anything more beautiful.

She stood up slowly as to avoid any more rushes of nausea, and Cassie ran around the car to help steady her.

“God, Lexi, what the hell? Are you okay?” Cassie asked before greeting Rue.

Lexi groaned, “Yeah, I’m good. Just stood up really fast. Let’s just get inside, I wanna brush my teeth.”

As they headed toward the door, Lexi turned and noticed that Rue was still standing a step away from her sizable puddle of vomit, looking off down the street. Lexi stepped out of Cassie’s grasp, feeling a lot more confident of her balance at that point, and called Rue’s name.

“Aren’t you coming?” Lexi asked just loud enough to reach Rue’s ears.

Rue stared back at her for a minute, almost as if she was contemplating something. Maybe whether she wanted to be here or with Jules. Maybe something else. But another small smile formed on her lips, and she wordlessly followed the sisters inside.


	2. A Dance in the Bathroom, Followed by Ill-fitting Pajamas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rue and Lexi get closer as the face glitter comes off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your kind feedback! I'm very excited that you like the story, and I already have more written, so buckle up kids!

When the girls entered the house, Lexi and Cassie’s mom was asleep on the couch, a bottle of wine cradled in her arms. The bottle wasn’t full by any means, but Lexi noticed it wasn’t empty either. Huh.

“Okay, Rue, can you get Lexi to the bathroom while I find something to clean your shoes with?” Cassie gingerly picked up the slightly soiled black Converse that Rue had taken off in the entryway and headed in the direction of the laundry room.

“I think we can manage that, right Lex?” Rue said while hooking an arm behind Lexi’s back and starting to guide her towards the bathroom.

“Rue, it’s cool. I can walk on my own.” Lexi started to pull out of Rue’s hold, but Rue held her a little tighter.

“Lex, just let me help you, please. I wanna feel useful,” Rue replied quietly.

So, Lexi let Rue guide her without making a fuss, warming to Rue’s touch, feeling every shift of Rue’s long arm against her back and each wiggle of her fingers curled against her side. It wasn’t quite the circumstances that Lexi would have hoped for, but it was still nice.

They reached the bathroom without incident, and Lexi sat down on the edge of the tub. Wordlessly, Rue started preparing Lexi’s toothbrush for her, somehow grabbing the correct one (it was a one in three chance but still) and applying toothpaste before running it under the stream of water for a second. Just how Lexi always did it. First toothpaste, then water (the other order of operations was a horrifying thought). But, she knew that Rue did it opposite. Was Rue just not paying attention to what she was doing or did she know? Did she pay attention to Lexi the way Lexi paid attention to her?

When Rue held out the toothbrush to Lexi, she couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Lexi asked. “I mean, that came out a little wrong, but I don’t know. You disappeared at the dance, and now you’re here.”

“I’m sorry. I should’ve stayed and hung out with everyone instead of dipping out.” The ‘with Jules’ was implied.

“It’s okay. I mean, you didn’t miss anything. Everyone besides Cassie and me ended up going off to do their own thing.” Lexi replied, though she wasn’t sure how Rue caught any of it with how much toothpaste was in her mouth at that point.

“You at least got to dance, right?”

Lexi spat in the sink before turning back to Rue, having to crane her neck a little, underestimating how close they were. Realizing this, Lexi crossed her arms over her chest for an extra sense of defense and forced a noticeably empty laugh. “Actually no. I, um, thought about it, but you know how I am,” she gave as way of explanation.

Rue seemed genuinely shocked, a rare expression on her usually collected face. “Wait, you’re kidding right? No one asked you to dance?”

Lexi splashed her face with some water and patted it dry before answering, “I don’t know why you’re so surprised. People mostly just leave me alone. I’m not broken up about it, Rue.” (Alas, she was, in fact, a little broken up about it.)

“I don’t know, I just think, if I was a guy and I saw you sitting all by your lonesome at some stupid dance, I would make a move.” Rue shrugged.

How could she say it so nonchalantly, Lexi wondered, while she felt her cheeks warm so much that she was surprised Rue didn’t say something about it. She also wondered how a lesbian could be so horribly heteronormative.

Lexi wet a washcloth with some warm water and handed it to Rue to wipe the glitter off her face if she so desired. Lexi figured it couldn’t be good for the girls in that town to constantly be putting glitter on their faces and bodies and just waiting for the batch to eventually fall off before applying the next.

For a moment, Rue seemed to contemplate the cloth in her hands, looking like she might hand it back. Hesitant, like she wanted to leave her makeup on for whatever reason. But, she sighed, resigned, and then began scrubbing at her cheeks too roughly.

“God, Rue, go easy,” Lexi said.

Rue seemed not to hear her, and she continued to scrub without concern for the delicate skin of her cheeks or the fact that the glitter wasn’t really budging. Lexi, like always, worried for the girl.

“Rue,” she said gently. “Let me do it.” Lexi stopped the motion of Rue’s hand and guided her to sit down on the bathtub’s edge, dropping to her knees to be at same level.

Lexi didn’t consider how close together the motion would bring their faces. But, she sucked in a breath and resisted the urge to count each fleck of gold in Rue’s irises. Eventually she got lost in making gentle strokes of the washcloth below Rue’s eyes and on her cheeks. They were so close; Lexi almost thought she could hear Rue’s heartbeat.

Later she realized it might have just been her own heart pounding in her ears at their proximity.

When Lexi switched sides, Rue sighed and closed her eyes, slightly leaning into Lexi’s touch and leaving Lexi’s eyes to freely roam her face without fear of being caught.

And, maybe it was because Rue’s watchful gaze was no longer on her or maybe it was the last of the alcohol clinging to her bloodstream, but without thinking, Lexi said, “You know, if you were a boy and you asked me to dance, I’d probably say no…” Lexi trailed off, hoping Rue understood.

Rue opened her eyes and searched Lexi’s face for a moment. “Oh,” she said.

“Yeah.” Lexi focused on the movement of her hand and avoided Rue’s gaze at all cost.

Then, Rue reached up to Lexi’s hand where it hovered over her face and gave it a gentle squeeze. When Lexi finally looked back into Rue’s eyes, there was warmth. There was understanding. But, she didn’t say anything else. Just looked at Lexi a moment before closing her eyes once more.

With each brush of Lexi’s hand, Rue seemed to lean into it more and more, so Lexi reflexively reached out her other hand to rest against the side of Rue’s face. It reminded her of the only other time that their faces had been so close together.

She finished, and Rue didn’t move a muscle.

“There, all done,” she croaked, her voice hoarse and throat dry.

Finally Rue blinked her eyes back open, and Lexi saw tears threatening to spill from her lower lids.

“Oh, Rue,” Lexi said softly. And the dam broke.

Lexi pulled Rue in and held her tight. One hand rubbing her back and the other resting on the nape of Rue’s neck, fingers scratching lightly there.

Rue didn’t cry loudly. Lexi hoped to god it wasn’t from practice.

“Hey, it’s okay, Rue. I got you. It’s gonna be okay,” Lexi said, even though she had no way to be sure. It felt like it would be, though, the two of them holding each other in the fluorescent light of the bathroom. It would be alright.

Lexi didn’t push Rue to tell her what was wrong or what happened. It most certainly had to do with Jules, but pushing never worked with Rue. It could wait.

They stayed there like that for a while, neither of them speaking. Eventually, a knock sounded at the door.

“Hey, you guys in there? I left your shoes to dry outside, Rue. If you’re both good, I think I’m gonna go to bed, I’m pretty tired.” Cassie said, her voice a little muffled through the bathroom door.

Rue pulled her face from the crook of Lexi’s neck. Her eyes were puffy, and her nose was runny, but no more tears were coming forth. Lexi cupped Rue’s face and used her thumbs to wipe the last of them off of her cheeks.

“We’re good, Cassie, “Lexi called back. “Goodnight, love you!”

Cassie returned the sentiment, and Lexi could hear her padding away gently. When Lexi turned back to Rue, she had both of her hands pressed over her eyes. Lexi had seen her do it before. It was a sort of comforting mechanism. Rue liked the feel of the pressure.

“Rue, you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong. I just want you to be okay. And it’s okay if you’re not right now,” Lexi whispered. “But, I think you will be.”

Rue responded, “Thanks, Lex.” She left it at that. Lexi was content that it sounded like she meant it, at the very least. Not like she would hold it against Rue if she didn’t.

Lexi wasn’t sure how long they were sitting there, but she felt her eyelids growing heavy. She had moved to sit next to Rue in case she needed room to breathe. Lexi’s fingers curled over the edge of the tub next to her thighs. The quiet, along with Rue’s presence, was making her even sleepier, making her crave the comfort of her bed and a body alongside her.

She was worried she might fall asleep when Rue spoke up. “Lexi? Can I do something for you now?” Her hands weren’t over her eyes anymore, but instead rubbing over the slick material of her pants as if to keep busy.

Lexi was confused and tired, responding slowly, “Um, yeah, sure.”

Rue stopped fidgeting and squeezed her hands into fists. Then she relaxed them both and placed her right hand over Lexi’s left one where it rested on the tub. She softly took it in her own and stood up, pulling Lexi to her feet as well.

They stood so close that Lexi was afraid to breath. Like if she did, Rue might blow away too.

“Rue,” she whispered, “What are you doing?”

Rue didn’t answer for a moment. She just took Lexi’s other hand and brought them both up behind her own neck, and then placed both of her own on Lexi’s waist.

“I’m,” Rue faltered for a moment. “We’re dancing. Everyone should get a dance.” Rue started the moving the pair slowly, first to one side, then the other, just taking small steps. Right. Then left. Then right. Then left. The monotony of it was soothing.

And god, Lexi’s body lit up. All her senses heightened, and she could smell the light note of sweat and perfume on Rue. She could feel every brush of their bodies as they swayed back and forth. She was conscious that her breathing was heavier than normal, but Rue didn’t seem to notice. She just pulled Lexi in a little closer and bent her neck so that the sides of their heads were lightly pressed together.

Lexi tried so hard to be in the moment, knowing that it couldn’t last forever and it may not happen again. She had to fully appreciate it. The warmth. The softness. The height difference. It was like a dream.

Rues long fingers were on her waist, wrapping around to grip her back, bringing another (only mildly) familiar heat to Lexi’s core. She didn’t know how long she could last there like that. It was sweet torture. Their proximity, instead of quenching Lexi’s desire for Rue, only seemed to take it to another level. One that Lexi was not remotely ready for.

So, after allowing herself the equivalence of three or so dances with Rue, Lexi pulled back, seeing the exhaustion in Rue’s eyes and feeling it in her own body as well.

“Let’s go to sleep, yeah?”

When Rue nodded, Lexi gently tugged on Rue’s hand, pulling her in tow to her and Cassie’s shared bedroom, where she felt grateful once more that they had installed a curtain between their respective halves. At least there was the illusion of privacy.

Once adjacent to the bed, Lexi was desperate to fill the silence so she wouldn’t start thinking of Rue’s body heat calling to her and the fact that said heat would be right next to her when they laid down. Close enough to touch. Close enough for Lexi to turn on her side and Rue to lay behind her and pull Lexi into her chest. So close it might set Lexi’s entire being on fire.

So, she started digging around in her dresser for her pajamas and whisper-rambled to Rue at the same time. “I think I still have some of your stuff from freshman year in here somewhere. It might be a little small for you, but it’s still probably bigger than whatever I have.”

Rue started to interject to say anything was fine (honestly, when did Rue ever have an opinion over something so mundane), but the Lexi train just kept on chugging.

“I could also go grab a t shirt from Cassie I guess. She has to buy her shirts bigger, y’know, cuz her boobs are, like, huge. I know your stuff is in here somewhere, though, if you don’t mind waiting while I-“

Finally Rue cut her off, “Lex, you know I don’t really care.” She gestured to her outfit, “I could probably sleep in this and I’d sleep just as bad as if I was wearing Cassie’s shirt. Or something of yours.”

The words were reassuring and Rue’s smooth, deep voice alone did wonders to Lexi’s stress, but when Rue mentioned wearing something of Lexi’s, her mind about short-circuited, and she pulled the drawer all the way out off its track.

See, Rue was five foot, ten inches. Lexi was five foot four on a good day. One of her shirts would definitely leave a good portion of Rue’s abdomen on display and the thought was far too much for Lexi to handle. Luckily, while she was gay panicking, she found Rue’s faded LA Dodgers shirt and an old pair of her sweats.

After Rue thanked Lexi for the clothes, she immediately began to strip herself of her winter formal outfit, sending Lexi headfirst into another gay panic episode. Lexi swallowed hard when Rue went to work on the buttons of her top, feeling weak in the knees. Of course, Rue paid no mind, either not realizing or not caring that Lexi was gaping at her and blushing ferociously. Honestly, probably the latter. Rue was never shy around Lexi. It almost disappointed Lexi because she knew it meant Rue thought of her so platonically that she didn’t need to think twice about anything.

When Lexi caught a glance of the beginnings of Rue’s bra peeking out from behind the quickly disappearing shirt, she whipped around, bringing upon herself the slightest wave of dizziness. It was almost a relief to have the spinning room to focus on, rather than the sounds of Rue changing behind her.

With her back still turned, Lexi rapidly put on the first set of pajamas she could find, cheeks still warm. She jumped a little when Rue spoke up.

“After all this time you’re still too shy to change in front of me?” Lexi could detect the hint of a smirk in Rue’s tone.

She turned back around to Rue, having finished changing, of course, with the intention of denying her claims (even though they were absolutely true) but stopped short when she noticed how ill-fitting Rue’s pajamas were. “Wow,” Lexi cleared her throat, “I guess you really did grow a lot.”

Rue’s shirt fell to rest just level with her bellybutton, leaving a few inches of her golden skin on display. The pants were comical, much closer to capris at that point. It should’ve made Rue look older, Lexi thought, seeing her having so far outgrown her old clothes, but it actually made her look a little younger. Innocent somehow. Soft. Lexi was endeared as hell.

Rue laughed at Lexi’s dazed expression, “What? Do I look ridiculous?”

Lexi swatted at Rue, laughing along. “Shut up, you know you always look good.”

Realizing what she said, Lexi looked down and in doing so, missed the look that came over Rue’s face. If she had seen it, she might’ve seen a kind of nervous wonder play across Rue’s usually more subdued features. If she had seen it, she might’ve felt a little more hopeful.

Rue returned her voice to a whisper, “Even when I wear my big red hoodie?”

Lexi looked back to her, curious about the change in tone, but remained as honest as ever. “Yeah, of course.”

Rue smiled, and though some residual sadness still seemed to linger in the way the corners of her lips turned upwards only the slightest amount, it seemed mostly sincere. It was a start.

They climbed in bed and Lexi turned off her bedside lamp once the both of them were settled. Lexi and Rue were laying on their backs, and while Rue seemed completely at ease, limbs and body loose, Lexi was the opposite. Her body felt tense and every nerve on her left side was alight, calling out to Rue’s warmth, the two girls’ hands only centimeters apart.

To resist the temptation that was Rue’s entire being, Lexi turned on her right side, facing away from her. It was her preferred side anyway, she told herself. It wasn’t because she thought grazing her leg against the stubble on Rue’s own might literally kill her. No, definitely not that.

Lexi could feel herself drifting off fast, but there was a thought still fighting to make its way into the air of her bedroom. She wasn’t sure if Rue was even awake or not, but regardless, she asked the darkness, “Why did you come here tonight? I said I wouldn’t push you, and I won’t, but I just was wondering. Why here?”

Silence enveloped her words, making her unsure she had even uttered them to begin with, until she felt Rue shrug.

“I dunno,” Rue said, matter of fact. “I just wanted to.”

Lexi fell asleep with a small smile on her face, and Rue was oblivious to everything. But it didn’t even matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved reading all the comments on the last chapter, so please leave more if you like where this seems to be going (again, not sure exactly where I'm going with this so the encouragement is much appreciated lol)! And can I just say, even though I wrote it, Rue and Lexi dancing to no music in the bathroom really got me. Hope you all liked it too. :) 
> 
> Also, the third chapter is already written, so that should be up in the next few days if all goes well!
> 
> UPDATED NOTE: not sure if anyone will see this, but I need help from you all! i'm working on a later chapter of this story, and i can't decide if rue has had sex with a girl before? if yes, is that girl Jules? have there been others? the answer doesn't need to be canon compliant (bc I'm not even sure what canon compliant would be), but if you have any ideas, drop some comments below! spoiler alert: if rue is a virgin that means they bouta be each others firsts. personally i think that'd be cute, but on the other hand, rue showing lexi the ropes is also appealing. idk i'm high


	3. Of Messy Rooms and Messy Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexi falls harder, literally, and possibly gets some material for her spank bank

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> overused tropes :/  
but make it gay :)

Just as the sun was starting to rise and the first rays of light were beginning to filter through the worn curtains of Lexi’s (and Cassie’s) bedroom window, Lexi stirred slightly. At first she thought it might be from the ray of sun that was landing perfectly across her eyelids. But quickly, she realized it was something else. 

She hadn’t moved from her side in the few hours they had been asleep, but Rue had definitely shifted, now spooning Lexi from behind. As soon as Lexi took in the warmth enveloping her, trying to pull her back under the sweet spell of sleep, her heart started pounding under Rue’s hand resting on her chest. 

Lexi didn’t want to, but the rapid beating of her heart made her body tense up in Rue’s hold, and even unconscious, Rue could clearly sense it. She adjusted behind Lexi, tightening just slightly, bringing Lexi somehow closer, closer than Lexi thought possible for two people to be. In the movement of their bodies giving and lending to each other, Rue’s hand dropped lower, from over Lexi’s heart to her stomach, slipping right underneath Lexi’s shirt. 

For the second or third time in less than 24 hours, Lexi’s body came alive, buzzing with pure, unfiltered energy. A heat settled between Lexi’s thighs and instinctively, she squeezed them together, trying to find any semblance of relief. She almost forgot Rue was behind her, but it was impossible to forget her for long, especially because she was the very source of the desire coursing through Lexi’s veins. 

Truthfully, Lexi wouldn’t be surprised if she were able to bring herself to release that way, putting pressure on just the right spot brought pleasure in rolling waves. It came that easy with Rue. She came that easy with Rue. But, she knew she wouldn’t end up feeling good in the afterglow of an orgasm, not when it came through the labor of hitched breaths and pining, and definitely not with Rue trying to sleep beside her. It just wasn’t a good idea.

But though that buzzing feeling should have made sleep impossible for Lexi, or at least have made it take an unbearable amount of time, it slowly turned into something calmer, curing. Faster than she thought possible, she was close to sleep again. She finally fell into sleep’s sweet embrace with the feeling of Rue’s gentle breaths hitting the back of her neck. There was no better way to go. 

\- -

When Lexi woke for the second time, the bed was cold beside her. Rue was gone.

She tried not to feel too disappointed. After all, she had had a good night. And she slept better than ever before. The only problem was that it all almost felt like a dream. Waking up to Rue would have solidified the night for Lexi, locked it in as something real, made her believe that she was something real in Rue’s mind. The period at the end of a sentence. 

Instead, she was left cold and lonely, wishing she could close her eyes and open them to messy curls and a lazy smile. 

Not to mention the fact that she didn’t even have school to distract her from the lingering scent of Rue on her sheets (and her own lingering horniness) because winter break started that day. Three weeks without homework, tests, pretty much any and all obligations. 

Now, Lexi didn’t consider herself dorky (she should have), but she figured she was probably the only one in town who was disappointed by the lack of school.

Whatever, Lexi was a smart, independent woman. Surely she would be able to find ways to kill her time. 

Seeing as she was not unused to spending time by herself, it worked for a while. She ate a little breakfast, watched some TV, read a couple chapters of her book, and by the time she was finished, a firm half hour had passed. Ugh, she needed to find something better.

Lexi went back upstairs, deciding she was just going to wake up Cassie, but when she walked in the room, Cassie was already getting dressed. 

“Oh, good,” Lexi said. “You’re up. Wanna do something?” She leaned against the doorframe, while Cassie hunched over to pull on some boots.

“Actually, Lex, I was just about to go to Maddy’s,” she said, giving Lexi an apologetic smile before continuing. “But you can come if you want! I don’t think Maddy would mind, I think she just doesn’t wanna be alone right now.”

Lexi thought for a moment, “Are you sure? If you just want it to be you guys, it’s cool.”

“Definitely,” Cassie gave her sister a reassuring smile. “Kat will be there too. And maybe BB.”

Lexi agreed then, knowing that if BB was there, she was definitely welcome. Don’t get her wrong, BB was cool enough and wasn’t too mean, but she was completely random. Sometimes Lexi wondered why she was around occasionally and then completely absent the rest of the time. It didn’t make sense. What was the point?

Anyway, the Howard sisters headed out, ending up in Maddy’s room, where they found Kat, Maddy, and BB (who even knew that was her name, honestly). Kat had already begun gushing about Ethan and how genuinely happy she was before Lexi and Cassie arrived, but they were able to understand the gist. 

Everyone seemed happy for Kat, (even Maddy, though she was a little uncharacteristically quiet) asking her questions and for details of the rest of her and Ethan’s night. Lexi didn’t mean to, but after listening to some of the general details, she tuned out a bit. She thought of what she might have said or done if Rue had stayed until morning. 

Lexi imagined turning in Rue’s arms so that they were face to face, able to feel soft puffs of breath on her face. From there, she would let Rue take over, let Rue decide to make the move or not, and since it was Lexi’s fantasy, of course Rue leaned in. At first, Rue leaned just close enough for their noses to brush, and she hovered there for a moment. Long enough for Lexi to whisper, “Please, Rue.” (Yeah, Lexi wasn’t about to analyze if she was into begging, that’s just the way the fantasy played out).

And Rue had mercy on Lexi, releasing the dam of tension between them by giving into the mutual want, it just felt too right to deny, rules be damned (Lexi was proud of that one). Rue closed the distance and brushed her lips softly against Lexi’s. Then, when she pulled back one last time to ask Lexi if that was okay, if she wanted her (even if only for just one moment), Kat’s voice sounded from Rue’s mouth.

“What about you, Lexi?” Kat asked, smiling. “What’d you end up doing last night?”

Lexi blinked away the last of the images fading from her mind. “Nothing much honestly,” she shrugged.

Cassie laughed turning to the group, “That’s not true! We got burgers from Delaney’s, ate them in the car, then when we got home, Rue was there and Lexi threw up all over her shoes.” 

Damn it, Cassie. 

Still, Lexi couldn’t help but laugh along, “Okay, I think I was unsuccessfully trying to repress that but whatever.” It wasn’t even a lie. Lexi had completely forgotten that her night with Rue began with a regurgitated number two combo. Even Maddy seemed amused by the story. 

“Hold on,” Kat spoke up, “Rue went to yours last night?”

Kat’s tone piqued Lexi’s curiosity, “Yeah, why?”

“Jules texted me this morning and said she was spending winter break with her friends in the city and hoped I have a good break and she’d see me back at school,” Kat explained. “I assumed Rue was going with her because when Ethan and I went outside, we saw them ride off together on someone’s bike.” She shrugged, “I guess Rue decided to stay.” 

Lexi furrowed her brow, suspicions confirmed. Something definitely happened between Rue and Jules. And she would be very surprised if Rue tried to deal with it maturely.

She grabbed her phone and texted Rue to ask if she was free while the other girls continued talking. Lexi did her best to listen but was preoccupied waiting for her phone to buzz with a response from Rue, so she only got bits and pieces. Like when BB said that she twerked the night away with Adam Connors, and Lexi didn’t remember seeing her at all the whole night. So weird.

After an hour or so, Lexi still hadn’t heard back from Rue, and she was done waiting. She told the girls that she wanted to get a head start on her AP English reading (it wasn’t necessarily a lie and everyone knew she was dorky about school even if she herself didn’t), and left. She didn’t have her bike, but the walk to Rue’s house was pretty short. Nothing in that town could be that far away from anything else. 

She knocked on the door, expecting Rue’s mom or Gia to answer, so she was shocked when Rue pulled the door open, fully dressed and actually looking a little rested. 

(Was it because they slept together? Did Rue sleep well with her?)

“Rue,” she said, blanking on why she was here and getting lost in the image of Rue standing in the sunlight. Snap out of it, Lex. Shaking her head to get the gears moving again, she asked, “Hey, did you get my text?” 

Moving to the side and indicating for Lexi to come in, Rue replied, “Nah, I haven’t looked at my phone today, sorry.” She began walking towards the back of the house to her room and Lexi followed.

“It’s cool,” Lexi said, not meaning it and not feeling at all chill. “What’ve you been up to today?” She peered around the house as they walked, but she didn’t see Leslie or Gia. 

Rue stopped abruptly in the doorway to her room and gestured with open arms, “This.”

The room was a disaster. Rue’s clothes were everywhere, drawers pulled out of her dresser, bed stripped, knick-knacks and schoolwork littered the floor. 

Lexi moved further into the room but found it difficult to not step on anything. “You’ve been tearing your room apart?”

Rue turned to Lexi, “No, I did this last night before I went to your house. I’ve been cleaning it all this morning,” she said as she pointed to her closet where, like, three jackets were hanging up. 

“So,” Lexi jokingly nudged Rue, “It was somehow worse than this before?” 

“Shut up,” Rue smiled. “Don’t hate if you’re not gonna help,” she said, flipping Lexi the bird.

That was… sort of an invitation to stay, so Lexi toed off her shoes and got to work picking up oversized shirts from the floor. 

They worked in efficient silence for about twenty minutes. Rue picked up all the non-clothing items and returned them to shelves or placed them in a trash bag to be dumped. Lexi was surprised by the amount of stuff Rue wanted to throw away but didn’t say anything, still waiting for Rue to decide when she wanted to talk.

Lexi was in charge of folding all the clothes and sorting them into piles according to what type of clothing article it was. Occasionally Rue would take a break from her task to pick through the clothes to find anything she wanted to donate. Again, Lexi noticed Rue was putting quite a few shirts in the give-away pile, some that Lexi knew Rue wore often. 

One of them, a humongous tie-dye shirt with an alien on it that was so cute on Rue, Lexi couldn’t let her take without saying something. “Wait, Rue, you love that shirt.” She loved it too, but she wasn’t about to say that. 

Rue didn’t meet her eyes, busying herself with trashing more books and things that Lexi was pretty sure they still needed for school. “It doesn’t fit me,” she said. 

“Yeah, so?” Lexi asked. “Don’t you like it?” 

Rue’s eyes flashed onto Lexi’s then, seeming to search for something. Her eyes were rapidly moving across Lexi’s face but Lexi could tell it wasn’t some kind of drug-induced hyperactivity. It was more nervous-looking. Like she couldn’t tell if Lexi was being honest or not.

Maybe Rue found what she was looking for, because she replied, “You hold onto it,” holding the shirt out to Lexi. 

Lexi lifted her eyebrows. “Seriously? Why?”

“Honestly, Howard, I don’t really know,” she said, offering up a small smile. “But, I mean, you need something to sleep in that doesn’t have a collar and buttons on it anyway.” She laughed the seriousness out of the room, and Lexi let her for the time being, but she knew that Rue needed to open up to her at some point. 

A bigger talk, the one about Jules and whatever happened and if Rue was okay or not, could wait, but there was one thing that Lexi was pressingly curious about. 

“Why is your room so messy?” They were making good progress but still, the question begged to be asked.

Again, Rue busied herself. “I was looking for something,” she said nonchalantly.

And not putting it together in the slightest, Lexi put the latest folded shirt down on the bed and asked oh so casually, “What were you looking for?”

Rue grew very still, her back turned to Lexi. “C’mon, Lex, don’t make me say it.”

Oh. Lexi finally understood. 

Rue wanted drugs last night. Wanted something bad enough to tear her room apart piece by piece. And when she didn’t find any, she had come to Lexi. She wasn’t sure how to feel about that. 

“Oh, Rue. I’m so sorry.” She stood from the bed and took a step closer to Rue.

But, defensive and angry, Rue’s faced changed into more of a snarl, and she held her arms out in front of her as if to ward Lexi away. “Sorry? What are you sorry for?” Rue asked, voice mocking. “I didn’t even do the drugs. Yeah, I looked, but I didn’t do them! Don’t feel sorry for me, I can handle myself,” she spat the end of the sentence.

Lexi flinched, stung by the words even though she knew Rue was just doing it because she felt backed into a corner and needed to bare her teeth and take a few swipes in order to feel like she couldn’t be hurt. But Lexi would never hurt her. Rue never did realize that. Still, Lexi held her ground.

If Rue had to lash out because she was afraid of being left alone and left behind, left tired and beaten, Lexi could take it. She could take it a million times over if it meant Rue would finally realize that Lexi wasn’t leaving too. After everything, she was still there. From when they were little kids playing pretend behind Lexi’s house or making a fort at Rue’s when Lexi’s parents were fighting at her own, Lexi and Rue had just worked. When they were younger if someone mentioned one of them, they had to mention both. That’s just the way it was.

Lexi knew Rue’s quirks and understood the internal struggles that plagued 90%of her waking moments, and Rue, when she wasn’t fighting herself at the same time, really did know how to care for Lexi, how to reassure her that she had a place in the world. So how did they get here?

It hurt Lexi every time Rue tried to push her away. Like when Lexi checked on Rue in the bathroom after that dumb theater exercise. Rue could be mean. When she was mean, it was sometimes hard to tell if maybe that time, she really meant it. God, it hurt. 

It hurt so bad that Lexi’s usually calm exterior broke down sometimes, and she would run to the nearest isolated, quiet hideaway just so that she could clamp a hand over her mouth and squeeze her eyes shut to prevent from screaming hate at a god that lets someone so young hurt themselves so bad and to hold back tears over a girl who would never love her back. She was fearful, too, that Rue would fall so far down the hole she was digging that she might never be able to drag herself back out. Fearful that nothing Lexi did would ever be enough.

But she had to try, right? If it was all she could do, then she had to try.

“Rue, I know you can handle yourself, you always have. I’m just sorry it’s been so hard,” Lexi explained softly. She stayed still, giving Rue space and keeping her distance until she knew Rue had calmed some.

At first, it seemed the calm wouldn’t come, as Rue paced back and forth for a minute, clenching her jaw in time with her steps. 

Suddenly, Rue took a breath in, looking like she might begin to yell again, but as quickly as it came, the storm cleared. Her shoulders slumped, and she dropped down to sit on the bed.

Rubbing her hands back and forth over the tops of her thighs, Rue said, “Look, I didn’t mean any of that. I just… I’m a little sad right now, like, I’m taking medication again, but it doesn’t just fix everything instantly.” She swallowed hard before continuing, “And I’m guessing someone told you because somehow even Gia knows, but Rue just kinda… left last night. Without me. Obviously.” 

Lexi sat down next to Rue on the bed, leaving only a couple of inches between them. “Kat told me,” Lexi said as she ducked her head to catch Rue’s gaze.

Rue sighed, “Of course she did. Nothing ever happens in this fucking place, so anything outside the usual boring routine gets talked about. Whatever, it doesn’t matter.” She sounded so bitter even an infant child would know that it did, in fact, matter to Rue. 

“I mean,” Lexi began though she wasn’t sure where she was going to finish, “If it hurts you, then it should matter. It does matter. I get if you don’t want to talk about it right now but talking about the stuff that hurts, and the stuff that feels good, it helps. Even just a little, it helps.” 

Finally, Rue’s face softened, exuding exhaustion but still managing to turn her lips up ever so slightly at the corners.

Rue scooted over the last couple of inches on the bed so that the outside of her and Lexi’s thighs were pressed together. Then, she leaned her head to the side to rest it on Lexi’s shoulder. When Lexi glanced down at Rue’s face, her eyes were closed. It was thank you. It was sorry. 

They stayed there for a few minutes, quiet and soaking, letting their bodies get reacquainted in a simple intimacy. Suddenly, Lexi felt her body shaking and noticed it was Rue laughing silently to herself, hard enough for her shoulders to jump up and down. 

Lexi pushed Rue off of her lightly, “What are you laughing at?” 

Clutching her stomach dramatically, Rue took a deep breath, “When you say to talk about the stuff that feels good, you don’t mean…” She trailed off, waiting for Lexi to catch on. It could take a while.

At last, understanding wiped the confusion off of Lexi’s face and she swatted at Rue, “Oh my god, Rue, ew!” She deserved an Oscar. Ew? Nope. Total improv, she might’ve even blacked out when she said it.

Rue jokingly looked offended, placing her hand over her heart and gasping. “Ew? Lex, I can assure you that—“

Lexi didn’t let her finish (because, god, she’s gay). Couldn’t let her finish because thinking of sex and Rue was a recipe for disaster. It made her jealous and sad and horny all at the same time because, let’s be real here, she can admit that Jules is hot and obviously Rue is hot, and sex between them was just a ridiculously picture perfect image, as if two models decided to forget the men slaving after them and instead find pleasure in each other. She didn’t want to think about Rue and Jules having sex. And she most certainly couldn’t imagine herself having sex with Rue because that would be kind of wrong, right? (She would decide later.) All in all, it was just too much to handle. 

She grabbed one of Rue’s pillows and lunged at her. Rue pulled herself further up the bed, giggling (actually giggling) while Lexi half-heartedly tried to swat her with the pillow. On one swipe, instead of blocking the hit, Rue caught the pillow and pulled, which to Lexi’s horror (and arousal, let’s not kid ourselves), resulted in Lexi falling on top of Rue, her knees bracketing Rue’s narrow hips. 

To stop herself from squishing Rue, Lexi caught herself on her hands on either side of Rue’s head, bringing them face to face. Neither of them was laughing anymore, the air in the room suddenly thick with something. Rue’s mouth was open just slightly, and she looked up at Lexi from behind her eyelashes in a moment that seemed infinite and fleeting all at once. 

Instinctively, Lexi licked her lips and thought she saw Rue’s eyes follow the motion but brushed it off as delusion. There’s no way, and if there was a way, it just meant that Rue was feeling lonely or sad and wanted a body to make the bad feelings go away. It wasn’t about Lexi.

Right? 

Whatever the truth, Rue was the first to speak up, “Sorry, didn’t mean to pull you so hard,” and she laughed with ease. Rue never seemed to feel awkward when the two girls got close. It had to mean she didn’t have even an inkling of feeling towards Lexi. 

Unfortunately, Lexi had not yet regained her ability to speak, and Rue’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Hey, you okay? Did I hurt you?” She asked and searched Lexi’s face for an answer. When she didn’t find one, Rue lifted her hands from her sides and put them on Lexi’s hips, right where her shirt had ridden up during their tumble, saying Lexi’s name softly. 

Lexi jerked at the feel of Rue’s cold hands on her overheated skin, but settled into the feeling all too quickly. Just as she went to reassure the girl below her, a knock sounded from the door, and Rue’s mom called her daughter’s name. 

“Rue? You in there? I told you when Jules is here just please keep the door open a few inches—“ she cut herself off when she entered the room, spotting Lexi straddling Rue. “Oh, hi Lexi, sorry I thought… Nevermind.” 

Whatever she was going to say was probably going to literally kill Lexi, so Lexi was very glad that Leslie hadn’t finished that sentence, and she scrambled off the bed (and Rue, in effect). Death by embarrassment was not how she wanted to go. 

Again, Rue wasn’t phased. She just leaned up on her elbows, looking almost bored, a very different expression to the one she was wearing moments before while worried about Lexi. “Sorry,” she said to her mom, “I just closed the door so we could clean the room easier.” She gestured around the room, and Lexi had to admit that it was better than it had ever looked. For someone who had to have things set in a very particular way, Rue was never organized. 

Leslie’s eyes flicked around the room, and she nodded, impressed. “Well, good job, girls. It looks great.” She turned to Lexi. “Are you staying for dinner, sweetie?” 

Lexi’s heart was still pounding in her chest, making her body feel like it was pulsing all over. All over. She shook her head to come back into herself. “Um, no, I have plans. Thank you though,” she said before glancing back at Rue, still lounging on the bed, her long legs hanging off the end. “I should go now, actually. I’ll see you later Rue. Bye, Leslie,” Lexi called behind her, already moving to put distance between herself and any imagined tension she had felt in the room. 

If she had turned back she might’ve seen Rue watching her with an intense curiosity. But, she was gay and afraid (a terrible pitch for a reality show), so she tried only to focus on the feeling of her feet hitting the pavement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally got around to responding to all your wonderful comments! they literally inspired me to get ahead on the next chapters, so guess what clowns??? next chapter's already done. Let me know if you all want more! Tell me what you liked!
> 
> ALSO i made an updated note on the last chapter but in case you didn't see it, do YOU think rue has ever had sex with a girl? is that girl jules? have there been others? or none? your answer doesn't have to be canon compliant bc i don't even know what that would be, but i'm just curious in terms of lexi and rue's eventual first time together. If Rue has experience, she can show lexi the ropes which is cute and kinda hot. If not, they would be each other's firsts, which is also cute (and also hot). gimme your thoughts, thots. mwah


	4. Lexi Decides to Let Loose and is Immediately Punished for It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Our poor girl gets caught with her hand down her pants. Though not by the person us clowns would want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait!! got caught up with some stuff and didn't have a chance to update but as a reward for your patience, perhaps ill post the next chapter tomorrow or the next day?? Let me know if you want it! i live for validation ;)
> 
> p.s. the warning on this story is m so just keep that in mind i guess? do y'all even need a warning? i've seen some of the freaky shite out there, and i would think this is pretty mild in comparison. but just to make sure. Lexi masturbates this chapter.

By the time Lexi made it home, she was somehow more worked up than before. With each step away from Rue and her dark bedroom and her soft bed, Lexi visualized Rue putting her hands above her hipbones over and over. 

Lexi loved Rue’s mom, but really? For a moment, it really felt like something was going to happen, like something different had sparked between them, even if no feelings were involved on Rue’s side. Either that, or Lexi was imagining the heat after being so close to Rue for the first time in so long (she figured the morning didn’t count because Rue wasn’t even aware anything had happened. And nothing had happened. Not really, anyway). 

Also, it didn’t help that Leslie had assumed that the reason the door was closed was because Rue was hooking up with Jules. It meant that something similar had probably happened before. It made Lexi ache in the bad way.

But somehow, it didn’t stop the ache in her core. 

Lexi about kicked the front door open in desperation, deciding that if no one was home, it was a sign that she should touch herself. She yelled for her mom and sister, and when there was no reply, she headed straight to her room and lay down on her bed on top of her sheets. 

For a few moments, she didn’t move. She just let her breath catch up with her, trying to cool down, already backtracking to see if she could avoid her arousal. Like usual. See, Lexi overthought everything. Even an act which would (if all went well) let her finally not think of anything for several short, blissful seconds. 

On the one hand, she knew who she would be thinking of in the moment, even if she tried not to, and it felt like an invasion of privacy or something. On the other hand, she justified, maybe if she got some kind of relief, she could be around Rue more easily, maybe she could relax. Didn’t she deserve something for herself?

Cassie was always telling her that getting laid would make her less tense. Actually, Cassie usually told her that she needed to catch a dick, but Lexi forgave her sister’s heterosexuality.

It was decided, then. 

Lexi yelled from her position on the bed one last time to make sure no one was home. It was a lazy way to check, but their house wasn’t that big, so it was fine. When there was no response, she unbuttoned her jeans and pulled down the zipper. 

She hesitated again, feeling worked up with arousal but still too stressed. So, she closed her eyes in an effort to get herself more in the mood, visualizing the event that had just transpired at Rue’s house. 

At first, the daydream played out exactly as reality. Rue and Lexi were joking around, Lexi grabbed the pillow, Rue tried to pull it away from her, and Lexi fell on top. From there, Lexi slowed it down and focused on the details.

Like how she could almost feel a sizzle when Rue’s cold fingers flexed on the hot skin underneath the hem of her t-shirt. How their faces hovered so close together that Lexi could feel Rue’s hot breath on her lips. The way Rue’s pupils dilated, making her eyes seem darker, heated. 

As the fantasy drifted past the bounds of reality, Lexi’s hand moved from the bed to her stomach, rubbing softly there, back and forth across the light peach fuzz. The sensation was incredible, her skin sensitive to even the slightest touch. Every few brushes, Lexi let her fingers dip just below the waistband of her underwear, teasing. 

She imagined Rue sliding her hands further up her body, then around to her back and down, encouraging Lexi to put more of her weight on Rue, and in effect, bringing their pelvises together. Rue’s hands never ceased their movement, gliding across Lexi’s skin the way a boat skims across the surface of the ocean. 

Lexi could feel herself getting wet and accepted that she would ruin her underwear, losing herself in her thoughts. She pretended that her fingers were not her own as she finally slipped her hand completely under the band of her underwear and rubbed through the small patch of coarse hair above her slit. 

In her mind, Rue had taken hold of her hips, thumbs pressed over the bones there. With only a look, Lexi could tell what Rue wanted from her, and she began to grind her hips down into Rue’s center. She imagined rocking back and forth, in a slow and sensual rhythm. In her fantasy, there was no rush. They had all the time in the world. So, they took it slow.

Rue guided her movements, lining them up so that the pressure was placed perfectly over their clits, the pleasure ebbing and flowing each time they pushed together and pulled apart. Lexi imagined Rue getting lost in the feeling, tensing her neck and encouraging Lexi to continue the motion of her hips unassisted so that her hands could explore Lexi’s body further. She brought her hands to Lexi’s ass and squeezed the flesh there, fingers flexing and burning through the material of her jeans. 

Every touch was made with precision, with intent, pressing hard but remaining gentle. The kind of touch that Lexi wanted, needed, from Rue. The touch she knew Rue to be capable of giving, despite never having been on the receiving end of it, not really anyway. 

Simultaneously, Lexi used the palm of her hand to apply pressure where she needed it, her fingers slipping over the generous strands of moisture. With each thrust of her hips against Rue’s hot center in her fantasy, Lexi pushed against her own hand, holding onto any fraction of relief she could find. Her hand was a disappointing replacement for Rue, who returned each thrust of Lexi’s with one of her own, completely engrossed in the meeting of their aching centers. The pleasure and tension strung through Lexi’s body was building up quickly. She was getting so, so close. She just needed-- 

She moved her hand up slightly so she could rub her fingers faster across her clit, and she knew she wouldn’t last much longer. She was feeling so much, little jolts of pleasure making her arch into the press of her hand, and in her mind Rue was taking it all in with watchful, eager eyes. In her mind, Rue wanted to make her come. Bad.

She imagined Rue taking back her grip on her hips and speeding up the rhythm to provide a more constant relief to the bundle of nerves that was straining so. At the same time, she sped up the movement of her hand but not by much, because she didn’t even need much more, she was so close, so—

“Hey Lexi, are you in here?” Cassie pushed the door open just before Lexi was able to finish and instantly turned around when she realized what Lexi was doing. “Oh my god, Lex, I’m so sorry.” Sure, she was sorry, but there was a hint of a smile in her voice, like she wanted to laugh.

On the bright side, Cassie didn’t catch her in the midst of an orgasm, but Lexi was still mortified. 

Lexi whipped herself into a sitting position and yanked her hand out from where it had been doing overtime a second before, shouting, “Cassie, what the fuck? Don’t you ever knock?” She scrambled off the bed while buttoning her pants back up, flustered and red as a tomato. 

Cassie hesitated, “Are you… done? I can go.” Her hands were over her eyes despite the fact that was facing the other way. 

“No. I mean, yes, I’m done. Well, not like done done, but it’s over, I’m not gonna—” She stopped herself from continuing, especially seeing as Cassie had turned back around and was holding her hand over her mouth to prevent herself from laughing.

“It’s not funny,” Lexi said, almost pleading for it to not be funny. But it was. It was really funny. 

Cassie took some deep breaths but was having trouble consoling herself. “You’re right, it’s fine, Lexi! Everyone does it!”

“Ugh, then why are you still laughing?” Lexi was having an awful time. If Cassie had just waited a few minutes, Lexi would have felt great. Amazing. But, she didn’t even get to finish, and she was feeling more frustrated than ever. “Y’know what, whatever, keep laughing. I’m going to the bathroom.”

Lexi pushed past Cassie without meeting her eyes, and Cassie stopped laughing to call after her, “Hey, wait, Lexi, I’m sorry!” She was talking through the door now, as Lexi contemplated staying in the bathroom forever rather than face any type of inquisition. 

“Cassie, it’s fine. Let’s just drop it,” Lexi said exasperated. 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” Of course she didn’t want to talk about how she was just caught masturbating by her sister. God, how was this day real? 

“Okay…” Cassie trailed off, but didn’t move away from the door. Then, “Don’t forget to wash your hand!” And she darted away, knowing that Lexi would chase after her.

Lexi threw the door open and ran after her sister. Bitch. 

Lexi never talked about any sex stuff to Cassie despite hearing every sordid detail of Cassie’s escapades. She just couldn’t admit that she was hopelessly in love. It was pathetic. Especially when everyone lusted after Cassie, pretty much giving her the pick of the lot. It was just especially embarrassing if the first discussion of Lexi’s sex life would come from Cassie walking in on her with her own hand. 

Cassie bolted straight out their front door, giggling in the hyper way a little kid would when they’ve just been caught stealing from the cookie jar and decide to run for it instead of getting scolded. Lexi followed, always the parent.

They made it down the block before Cassie bent over, hands on her knees, completely out of breath from laughing and running at the same time. “I am not wearing the right bra for this,” she wheezed when Lexi drew close enough. 

With Cassie pretty much choking, tears in her eyes from laughing so hard, she found herself laughing too. “Jeez, I don’t think they make a bra that would work for you running that fast.” 

She was still embarrassed, but she had to admit it was funny. Something that she couldn’t picture happening to anyone else. The universe just hated her a little bit. It was fine, she’d gotten used to it somewhat. She had long come to accept the fact that not everyone you met would like you. And, so what if in her case the person that didn’t like her was the entire universe? So what. Right?

At any rate, she’d made it this far. 

When they got back to the house, Cassie stopped Lexi in the doorway, tone much more subdued than before. “But, seriously, Lexi. You know you can talk to me, right? The other night, when you asked about how to know who you wanna hook up with, did you have someone in mind?”

In the hot seat, Lexi didn’t want to lie to her sister. After all, Cassie was trying, actually asking about Lexi’s life for the first time. Cassie liked to talk, and she had a lot to say. Lexi usually didn’t mind it. But this was a nice reassurance that Cassie cared about Lexi’s well being. Lexi never doubted Cassie’s love for her. Of course she loved Lexi, they were sisters. It’s just, sometimes it didn’t feel like she liked her all that much, especially when Cassie didn’t ever do the simple things, like ask how she was doing.

Yeah, this was nice. But even so, Lexi wasn’t even sure how to open up about how she felt about Rue. There was no way to prepare herself for the ocean of love that swept over her whenever she just thought of the girl. How was she supposed to translate that into words? 

“Yeah, I guess I did. But nothing happened.” She kept it simple. No names, no details. 

“Y’know, I have a good amount of experience with boys if you ever need advice,” Cassie said with a genuine smile. 

Unfortunately, Lexi’s mouth decided against filtering the thoughts in her brain before they wriggled out. “It’s not a boy.” Well, that was a pretty big fuckin’ detail. Good job, Lex. 

She cursed for not using the opportunity to come out with some flair. Figured, not only was she bad at feelings and girls (and she had this growing fear she would be bad at sex too, if she ever actually got the chance to try) but also she was bad at coming out apparently. The first two times she came out, both within the past day, had been completely by accident. Could she blame the universe when it came to being a fool? Or was that part her own doing? Y’know what? Fuck it, she blamed the universe. What was it gonna do, hate her? 

Though, Lexi did have to hand it to Cassie. The girl didn’t even flinch. “In that case, I understand girls pretty well, so maybe I can still be some help.”

Honestly, Lexi wasn’t sure what to say. Wasn’t sure how to express the rush of love that filled her. 

Cassie, thinking Lexi’s silence meant her reaction wasn’t good enough, continued, “Or, if that’s not helpful, or that’s not how it works or what you need, I’m still here to listen. I just wanna make sure you know that,” she finished quietly. 

All Lexi could think to do was wrap her sister up in a tight squeeze, the way they used to when one of them was feeling down or needed familial love when their parents were fighting and they could hear it through the wall. The current circumstances were much better. It reminded Lexi they could rely on each other. It wasn’t a one-way street. 

“Thank, Cass.” She pulled back. “Seriously, that means a lot.” 

“Of course. And next time, put a sock on the door or something,” Cassie said, as if exasperated. 

Lexi just went upstairs without a word and flipped Cassie off behind her back. She loved her sister, but she had a feeling she wasn’t out of the woods yet for getting caught red-handed (or wet-handed, to put it grosser and worse).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know, there wasn't any rue this chapter :( but we did get to see Lexi touch herself :) but she didn't get to come :( but maybe she'll get another chance?..,,,?? again, in case you didn't read the notes at the beginning, i got another chapter on deck! 
> 
> also, i want to thank you all so much for being so supportive of this journey! your kind words and comments inspire me so much to continue writing this story!! your love for these messy soft gaybies makes me feel like we're all riding in one big (small) clown car together, and i couldn't be happier to be sharing the ride with you all.
> 
> tell me what you liked! tell me what you didn't! it'll quite possibly probably make me cry but I'm fine its fine! see you soon losers


	5. A Semi-Awkward Dinner, a Bike Ride, and an Offer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rue and Lexi sort of open up a bit, and a fortune cookie absolutely wrecks Lexi. Completely roasted. Obliterated. Poor girl.
> 
> Oh, and I finally figure out how to bring a friends with benefits type of thing to the table. but this is only the start. So no actual benefits yet. Still just friends. (sorry, its coming)
> 
> also, suze howard has entered the building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> your comments were so lovely and kind (as always), so here's the next chapter! rue and lexi are back babEY!

The rest of the day passed quietly. Cassie went back out eventually, presumably to hang out with Kat and Maddy, but Lexi declined when offered an invite. She wanted a relaxing night in. Not to touch herself. Don’t worry. 

She really did just want to relax. The day had felt eventful, and her missing orgasm left her feeling unfulfilled, so she turned on some random reality tv show and hoped it could shut her brain up. It worked enough, at least long enough for her mom to get home and start asking her about formal and who she danced with and if Cassie went home with someone or if McKay showed up. 

When Lexi explained that she didn’t end up dancing and that her and Cassie just came home after getting food, her mom looked bored.

She scoffed, “Well you at least got laid, didn’t you?” 

Lexi grew confused. “What are you talking about?”

Suze smirked and wagged her finger at Lexi. “Don’t play coy with me, missy,” she said like she was in on some big secret. “I saw Rue sneaking out of your window this morning! I assume you guys finally got it on, right?”

Huh. Maybe she was in on a big secret. Just completely off the mark. Mother’s intuition? Whatever the deal was, Lexi was caught off guard.

“What—um, what do you mean by finally? And you knew that I’m… you know?” Lexi trailed off, never really having used the word aloud before.

Suze, never one for beating around the bush or taking a subtle approach of any kind, laughed. Right in her daughter’s face. “Are you kidding me? From the time you were a kid you were gay as a doornail,” she kept going without regard for Lexi trying to interject to correct her on the phrase. “And I say finally because you were always dancing around Rue! And then she stopped coming around so much, but she stayed over last night, so I thought…”

The disheartened look on Lexi’s face gave a little more away than she maybe would have liked, but she was grateful that her mom got the hint to stop talking. 

Lexi, still lying on the couch, wished the cushions would swallow her up. It sounded nice to be able to just disappear off the face of the earth for a moment. Or forever. She would take either. 

Her mom stood there expectantly, looking unsure of what to say, not being the reassuring type. At least, not with Lexi. Lexi let her off the hook. 

“Nothing happened between Rue and me. She just came here after the dance. And we slept. Just slept.” Some kind of bitterness must have crept into Lexi’s voice because her mom looked almost sympathetic.

“Well,” she began, sounding unusually upbeat, “Why don’t we go get some Chinese? We can eat there instead of doing delivery, and you and I can make a night out of it.” 

Lexi glanced up, a little skeptical. “What about Cassie? She’s not here.”

“I know that!” she replied, rolling her eyes (though she probably, in fact, hadn’t known that). “C’mon, you’re making me sad just laying there moping.” That was more like it. Suze stood up, grabbed her keys, and walked out the door after slipping on a pair of (Lexi’s) flip-flops. 

Lexi followed. She was a little hungry. 

In the car, Lexi thought her mom would spare her a bit, but no such luck. Suze went above and beyond Lexi’s worst fears, talking all about how she had briefly been with a woman in her youth, and yeah, Lexi tuned out immediately after hearing her mom say that the woman was her “second best lover overall but number one when it came to giving head.” 

Lexi didn’t need that. No one needed that. 

Her mom just kept right on with no sign of stopping. It wasn’t until Lexi heard her mom say Rue’s name that she was able to focus back in. 

But Suze wasn’t talking about Rue, she was trying to get Rue’s attention. Because there the girl was. Riding her bike down the street a little bit in front of their car. 

“Rue!” Suze called. “Rue, hey!”

“Mom, stop,” Lexi begged under her breath. But Rue had already caught sight of them and was slowing down so she’d be even with Lexi’s window.

“Shut up, Lexi. This is happening. Grow a pair.” And she rolled the window down.

“Hi, Ms. Howard. Hey, Lex. Where y’all headed?” Always so cool.

Suze looked at her daughter, eyebrows raised. Lexi might’ve been gay as a doornail, but she wouldn’t let her mom think she was dumb too.

“We’re getting Chinese food, right around the corner up there. Do you wanna come? With us, I mean?” Lexi had honestly expected Rue to say no, so when she replied that she’d love to and followed them to the parking lot, she wasn’t sure what to think.

Before they got out of the car, Suze whispered, “She’d love to, you hear that?” Then, she got out of the car, leaving Lexi in the dust once more. Lexi wondered what other people’s relationships with their mothers were like. Different, surely. 

At the table, Lexi and Rue sat on one side of the booth, both quiet. (Was it because Lexi left so suddenly that morning? Would Rue even care about that?) To Lexi’s horror, her mom had no such reserves. 

“So, Rue,” Suze began, taking a sip of her water to clear some of the rasp from her throat, “How was your night last night? Lexi here has not been so forthcoming.”

Rue laughed but it sounded more like a quick whoosh of air. “Um, it was alright I guess? Got better at the end though,” she said as she nudged Lexi’s shoulder with her own.

Lexi couldn’t help but look up at her in awe. Did she mean that? She knew it didn’t mean that much really, but it still felt like something. Lexi would take what she could get. She wanted to take her time basking in the light of Rue’s smile, but as always, Suze stopped for no one.

“Well, isn’t that nice.” Suze’s tone said otherwise. “And boring!” There it was.

“Mom!” Lexi scolded 

“I’m just saying, Jesus, didn’t anyone get laid last night?”

Rue let out a harsh bark of a laugh, muttering to herself, “Yeah, I bet someone did.”

Jules, Lexi realized. She meant Jules. 

To anyone else it might’ve seemed fucked up to try to console the person you were in love with about another girl, but Lexi cared about Rue. She didn’t want Rue to hurt. Even if it meant she would hurt herself a little in the process.

Blind to her mother’s stare, Lexi scooted closer to Rue and put her hand on Rue’s thigh under the table. She wasn’t sure what else to do. Words don’t really cut it sometimes. But, Rue obviously felt abandoned. The best Lexi could do was try to show that it wasn’t necessarily true. 

To Lexi’s surprise, Rue placed her hand gently atop Lexi’s and squeezed once before pulling back and folding her hands on the table. It was her way of saying thank you. Of saying that Lexi’s comfort was wanted. Rue didn’t often use words to ask for something when she needed help or love or comfort or support, so Lexi had gotten better at reading her over the years. 

That way, Rue didn’t even have to ask.

Lexi’s mom spoke up again, “Are you talkin’ about that girl you’ve been hanging out with?”

“Mom, please stop,” Lexi begged.

“It’s just a question, Lexi, simmer down,” she scolded Lexi right back.

Rue cleared her throat and looked up, though her shoulders never seemed to straighten these days. She moved her hand to grip Lexi’s once more, like she needed to hold onto something. “Lex, it’s cool,” she said quietly, turning to address Suze. “Yeah, Jules ran off to the city last night. She met some girl named Anna there, and is apparently in love with her even though they’ve known each other for like twelve hours. It’s whatever.” 

Lexi could tell that even though Rue was trying to blow it off like it was nothing, she was hurting bad. The tight grip on her hand was the only explanation she needed. 

Suze sat up, and was quiet a moment before responding, as if actually contemplating her words for once. “Sounds like you’ve had a rough go of it. I’ve been there, everyone has. Actually, probably not lil’ Lexi here,” she said, laughing. 

Yep, Lexi’s life was a joke. It was fine. 

Suze continued, slowly, giving Lexi an indiscernible look before turning back to address Rue, “It’s easy to rush into love, like your friend clearly has, but true love is the kind that really sticks around, y’know? It’s the kind of love that you don’t even realize is there but it is, and it’s just waiting, and sure, maybe it’s not that exciting or spunky, maybe it’s a little unassuming, maybe some people think it’s boring, but—“ 

Lexi couldn’t believe her mom was trying to expose her! 

Horrified and rightly so, Lexi jumped in, “Okay, mom! She gets it! That’s more than enough…”

She would like to act like she would go off on her mom for putting her head where it didn’t belong at all, but she knew she wouldn’t end up doing it. Her mom was only trying to help, really. It was just so, so misplaced.

Lexi could manage fine on her own. (She couldn’t.) She was doing just fine. (She wasn’t.)

But, thankfully, Rue just looked confused at the whole exchange. “Um, okay. Thanks, Ms. Howard. I’ll keep that in mind.” 

Lexi internally exhaled in relief at Rue’s cluelessness before realizing that in the chaos, Rue had intertwined her fingers with Lexi’s. Lexi didn’t dare move her hand the rest of the meal, even though it meant eating with her non-dominant hand. Fuck it. She’d become ambidextrous if it meant one hand could always be holding Rue’s.

Small talk filled the rest of the evening, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. It was peaceful, even. Rue seemed subdued, but it was about as expected. Still, Lexi couldn’t tell if Rue actually wanted to be there. She tried to find solace in Rue’s touch, if nothing else.

When they finished eating, Lexi made her mom and Rue open their fortune cookies and read the fortune aloud. It was a tradition of sorts. Suze initially resisted just to see Lexi rise to the bait, but when Lexi’s growing insistence and frustration made Rue laugh softly, Lexi was grateful for it.

Suze went first, and according to her it just said some “crap” about looking under rocks for prosperity, to which she responded, “I got better things to do than spend every second of every day turning over each pebble I pass to see if there’s some spare change underneath. Waste of time if you ask me.”

Technically, no one had asked, and Lexi didn’t even bother trying to deduce what the fortune actually said.

“Rue?” Lexi asked. “What’s yours say?” 

Lexi was fixated when Rue’s long, capable fingers cracked the cookie in two and gingerly pulled out the tiny scrap of paper. Truthfully, Lexi had tried watching porn before. It was right around the time Lexi realized she liked girls, and she thought that watching some girl on girl action would help her figure it out in a more definitive sense. 

The fake nails and heavy makeup and schoolgirl skirts (the women were surely in their thirties, why did they go to private school?), not to mention the horribly exaggerated moans, didn’t do much for her. Didn’t do anything, really. 

Except, in a vastly different sense, it did help. Because, while cringing at a set of acrylics going to town on some other girl’s dry clit, she began to wonder about a different set of hands. A pair much less manicured but all the more appealing. 

In her head she replaced everything wrong about the scenario she was watching with pieces from her own head of things she liked about girls. Well, a certain girl, as it turned out. 

Everything was Rue, and in an instant, Lexi’s feelings came rushing in full force. Feelings that had always been there, that she could look back on with 20/20 vision in hindsight, but just had never been defined until then. 

She had loved Rue forever and didn’t even know it.

But, yeah. Rue’s fingers. Now that was porn. 

Rue, still smiling from Lexi’s antics, read her fortune quietly, “’Life and love are treacherous, but the latter can help you through the former.’” She stared at the piece of paper quizzically for a few moments before crumpling it into a ball, scoffing. “That’s not even a fortune. It’s, like, advice. Do yours, Lex. Maybe it’ll be better.” 

As Lexi opened her fortune, she thought she saw Rue stuff the balled up paper into the pocket of her pants, but she couldn’t be sure. 

She unraveled the strip of paper, quickly taking in the words with her eyes and reread it again and again while Suze and Rue waited impatiently. 

Mouth agape, Lexi couldn’t believe it. It must be some kind of cruel joke. She had all but decided to rip the fortune to pieces when Rue snatched it out of her hands.

“Howard, enough with the suspense already!” Rue joked, pulling the paper taut between her hands. 

Lexi tried to grab it back, but Rue had already begun to read, “’Find an outlet to release your tension.’” 

Ugh.

Suze snorted at the innuendo, probably thinking that Lexi had never ‘released tension’ ever in her life, but was thankfully unaware of Lexi’s real life plight and the nightmarish attempted orgasm from earlier in the day.

Rue, who had no idea that Lexi tried to find some release (to the thought of her best friend no less) and seeming to read that Lexi was uncomfortable with the fortune, pushed through the awkwardness. “See, that doesn’t really seem like a fortune to me. It’s more like an order. Like it’s telling you what to do, not what’s going to happen. Right?”

Lexi, face warm, only nodded in response. Mocked by a fortune cookie. How humiliating. At least Rue hadn’t laughed like it was a preposterous thought like her mom did.

As they got ready to leave, Lexi was prepared to say goodnight to Rue, assuming that she had plans or something of the sort, but before Lexi could say a word, Rue took hold of her arm. 

“Hey, do you wanna come over for a bit? Gia and my mom went out, so no one’s home, and I thought we could just watch Netflix and hang out or something,” Rue said, almost nervously, like she was afraid Lexi might say no.

Lexi tried to ignore the way the proposal sounded. That saying no one would be home seemed like an invite to do more scandalous things. Things that Lexi’s fortune cookie would approve of. And that ‘watch Netflix and hang out” was basically a synonym for Netflix and chill. Obviously, Rue hadn’t meant it like that, but it didn’t stop Lexi’s heart from skipping a beat. 

Simultaneously, Lexi ached to reassure Rue. That no matter what Rue asked of her, she would never say no. She couldn’t. 

“Yeah, of course. That sounds fun.” Lexi smiled. She figured her mom wouldn’t care in the slightest if she didn’t come home with her. She might even be proud.

So she ran over to the driver’s side window where her mom was ready to go and told her she’d be home later. It wasn’t until after Suze peeled out of the lot that Lexi realized she didn’t have her bike.

“Sorry, I wasn’t thinking,” she said to Rue. “Is it cool if we walk?”

Rue mounted her bike and said, “Nonsense, Howard, we can both fit. Just hop on the back.” 

They hadn’t done this since they were much younger, but the feeling of climbing on behind Rue’s lithe body was still familiar to Lexi. It was something she hadn’t realized she missed. Though it took a second for them to adjust, figuring out how to balance, Rue got them moving soon enough, pedaling the two of them away into the night.

They didn’t talk much on the ride, and honestly Lexi was glad for it. The streets were mostly smooth, but once in a while a bump would jerk her off the seat and she had to struggle to regain her balance. Of course, all of that would be solved if she held onto Rue tighter and moved in closer, but she was apprehensive. Maybe Rue wouldn’t want her to. 

As if reading her mind, a moment later Rue said, “Lex, you should hold on. Just in case.” In case of what, Rue didn’t explain, but it was all Lexi needed to scoot up and wrap her arms around Rue’s waist. 

Instantly, Lexi felt content. Safe. Rue, too, seemed to settle into the touch, bodies warming in the cool air of the night. Each time they passed under a streetlight, the girls were illuminated, becoming a spotlight in the darkness. And each time, Lexi tried to get a peek at Rue’s face, to try to read what the other girl was thinking. The angle made it difficult, but as they got nearer to Rue’s house, Rue turned to the side, smiling at Lexi. It looked light. It felt brand new.

The whole town seemed different in Lexi’s eyes in that moment. She knew it had its problems, but if a girl like Rue could settle in a place like that, how bad could it be?

All too soon, the ride was over. They pulled up, the bike left to the mercy of the front lawn, and the girls went inside the dark house. 

Just as Lexi’s eyes had adjusted to the darkness, Rue flipped on the lamp in the living room, which in all honesty wasn’t that great in terms of doing what a lamp is supposed to do, but it provided a warm glow that was perfect for the quiet night. Wordlessly, Rue plopped down on the sofa, so Lexi followed suit, making sure to leave about a foot of space between the two. 

Rue disrupted the silence by turning on the TV and asking Lexi, “What do you feel like watching?” 

“I’m good with anything. You can choose,” Lexi replied. 

Rue browsed Netflix’s options for a moment, then settled on Planet Earth. Lexi smiled, it was one of her favorites. Still, she couldn’t resist looking over at Rue every once in a while. 

She had spread her long legs out in front her and slouched down so far against the couch cushions that it seemed like it must’ve been counter-productive to getting comfortable. Her eyes were following the action on the screen, but her thoughts were clearly elsewhere. 

Lexi was about to ask if Rue was okay when Rue beat her to the punch. “I can feel you looking at me, Lexi,” Rue said, still staring straight ahead.

Wow, Lexi should have really been more careful. She wasn’t nearly as subtle as she thought she was. And she didn’t even consider herself to be subtle. Maybe she really was gay as a doornail. 

“I was just wondering if you’re okay. You look like you’re somewhere else,” Lexi explained.

Rue closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them again, they were locked so firmly on Lexi’s that she didn’t think she would have been able to look away even if she wanted to. To be clear, she didn’t want to. It was such an intense stare, full of something that Lexi couldn’t really put her finger on but—

“Jules texted me,” Rue said. 

Oh. Of course.

“Oh. Are you okay?” Lexi wanted so badly to reach out to Rue but wasn’t sure what the girl was thinking at the moment. 

Rue took Lexi by surprise, tilting her head and saying, “Y’know, anyone else would’ve asked what Jules said first. But you check on me. Always. I could’ve told you that I killed Nate Jacobs, and I bet you would still ask me if I was okay before anything else.” 

Lexi thought maybe she wasn’t wrong. But, she wasn’t sure how Rue felt about it in either case. So, she decided to just be honest. It had gotten her this far anyway. 

(Besides the fact that she hid her feelings from Rue every time she saw her. Lexi would argue that that was different, though.) (It probably wasn’t.)

“I just want you to be okay, Rue,” Lexi said softly. If you killed Nate, which I know you wouldn’t, I know it would be for good reason, and that means the only thing I can do is make sure you’re okay. And if you’re not, I can do whatever I can to help.” And she refused to flit her eyes away from Rue’s, no matter how badly her nerves wanted her to. 

Silence fell between them, Rue’s features softening from her earlier challenge. In the quiet, Lexi pulled her legs underneath herself, so that she could angle her body towards Rue. And to have something to do while waiting for Rue to open up. Because she was going to open up, at least a little. Lexi could feel it.

Then, in the smallest voice ever, Rue said, “I don’t think I deserve you, Lex.”

Lexi’s heart broke at the words, and her body moved of its own accord to pull Rue into a tight hug. She pushed in until there was no more space between them. Atoms and electrons bowed to the will of love, and perhaps no two people had ever been as close as Lexi and Rue in that moment. 

Resting her head on Rue’s shoulder, Lexi desperately tried to find the words to say how much it wasn’t true. How much she ached for every inch of Rue. How much good she saw in Rue and how much she wanted to prove to Rue that she deserved good things from a world that had not been as kind to her as it should have been. 

Pulling back just enough so that Lexi could look into Rue’s eyes, she placed her hands on either side of Rue’s face, forcing her to meet her gaze. “Listen to me, okay? I know you, and I’m not gonna let you decide that you deserve less than you do. If you do that, everyone else will believe it too. And they won’t give you love in the way that they should.” 

In the way that Lexi could. But she wouldn’t say that, not when Rue was still hung up on Jules and had other battles to fight. It wasn’t the time. 

Rue’s eyes searched Lexi’s, looking for any hint of dishonesty and finding none. She leaned her forehead into Lexi’s, resting there, and Lexi’s eyes widened in surprise. What was Rue doing? 

Lexi tried to decipher the motion, but Rue’s eyes had fallen shut and she was breathing slow and deep, almost like she had fallen into a peaceful slumber. In her search for answers, Lexi’s eyes landed on Rue’s full lips, slightly parted, almost begging to be kissed. Calling Lexi’s name. 

But, just when Lexi thought she might possibly lean into it and go after what she wanted, Rue’s lips actually were parting around Lexi’s name. 

“When did you get so smart, Lex?” Rue pulled back, eyes brighter than before, as if rejuvenated by the contact between them. 

Lexi shook herself out of the moment and scooted back just slightly, head feeling thick from the closeness. “Shut up,” she laughed. “Everyone already thinks I’m kinda dorky, I don’t need you saying it too.”

“Hey, being dorky is good! It means you’ll be able to get some fancy college scholarship and actually get out of here. I’m jealous, seriously.” Rue looked back to the TV awkwardly, still playing Planet Earth, though mostly forgotten.

“You don’t have to be jealous,” Lexi said without even realizing it.

Rue turned back, confused. “What do you mean?”

Truthfully, Lexi didn’t know what she meant, but she wasn’t about to turn back now. “I can help you, if you want. Like tutor you. Or something.”

Looking more excited than she had just a moment before, Rue asked, “Really? You’d do that for me?”

Anything, Lexi wanted to say. She would do anything for Rue. But instead, “Yeah, it’s no problem at all.” 

It could be a problem actually, what with Lexi’s unrequited feelings and everything, but fuck it, right? 

She felt more confident in her offer when Rue unexpectedly pulled Lexi in and planted a sloppy kiss on both of Lexi’s cheeks, even exaggeratedly making ‘mwah’ sounds.

“You’re the best, Lex, you know that?” And god, her smile was contagious. “I’ll be a good student, I promise. And actually, somehow my grades aren’t shit because high school is a joke, but I need a lot of help with SAT prep and stuff. I don’t even know where to begin.” And she rambled on for a little longer, but Lexi was still caught up in the lingering feeling of Rue’s lips on her cheeks.

She could still feel a burning there, like a glorious sort of branding. Lexi had to physically restrain herself from reaching up to rub her cheek with her hand like some love-struck teenager. Which she was. But she’d like to pretend she wasn’t if she was going to get out of this alive. 

“Lex? You still with me?” Rue laughed, but more to lighten the mood in case Lexi decided to back out. 

“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m with you. Not like with you, obviously, just—“ She stopped and took a breath to settle herself. This was getting out of hand. (Actually, it had been out of hand for, like, ever.) She managed to continue, “I want to help you.”

It was that simple for Lexi. And shouldn’t she do what she wanted?

“Thank you. Again. Or, I dunno if I even said it before but really, thanks, Lex,” Rue said and then paused a moment. She got quiet once more, almost whispering, “I want to deserve you, Lexi. I believe what you said before, or, I’m trying to, at least. Like, maybe I do ask for less than I should, and maybe it’s because I feel guilty for being such a cunt in recent years or maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I’m enough for the people around me. Like I’m worth anyone’s time or love.” She had to stop to gulp in a breath of air from talking so fast and absentmindedly took one of Lexi’s hands between her own as she continued, “So I can work on asking for more for myself. And, I know you’d disagree, but, for argument’s sake, let’s say I don’t deserve you. In that case, I can work on deserving you. I want to try.”

Lexi was at a loss for words. Not just because Lexi hadn’t heard Rue speak that much in however long, but also… just, wow. She was in so deep. These tutoring sessions were going to be a major bitch in the feelings department. 

Starting slowly, trying to find her footing, Lexi said, “Honestly, I like that you’re willing to fight for me,” she cleared her throat, overthinking, “and our friendship.” 

(Lexi could smack herself in the face and even that wouldn’t be enough to expel the idiot puppet master that seemed to take over her speech capabilities sometimes.)

“I would,” Rue jumped in, her mouth set firm. “I will.” 

“But,” Lexi continued forward, “I don’t want my presence in your life to feel like a battle. I don’t want you to feel like you have to fight to hold onto me or like I’ll decide it’s not enough and leave. You won’t lose me.” The ‘too’ got lost in her throat. But maybe it was better that way.

Rue had fought enough for a lifetime, and maybe then some. Lexi didn’t want that for her. Didn’t want to be another thing that slowly tore away at Rue until she was threadbare and had to stitch herself back together or be lost to the wind. 

“Lex, every time you open your mouth you just prove my point even more,” Rue said teasingly. She twiddled Lexi’s fingers between her own.

“Shut up, I’m serious!” Lexi laughed, exasperated, but not really.

“I know,” Rue said, cupping Lexi’s chin with her other hand to bring them eye-level to each other. “You have no idea how much it means. I’m so tired of fighting,” her voice cracked, bringing Lexi’s heart along with it. “But, that doesn’t mean I can’t try to be better. I’ve been terrible to you in the past. For a long time. And it’s hard for me to accept that I can’t change all that or take it back, so the least I can do is try to deserve you now.”

Lexi was going to say something else, but Rue stopped her, adding, “Don’t argue with me on this, Howard. You may be smart, but I’m far too stubborn to give up so easily.” Rue’s easy smirk was back, and she pulled the hand she was still holding so that Lexi was leaning on her shoulder. It was nice. 

Planet Earth continued onscreen, and the girls got cozy. It was hard not to feel like the world outside didn’t exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first things first, suze was so fun to write because it's just so funny to picture her saying everything in her voice and i wanted her to have some good (and not so good) moments w lexi because we didn't get that in S1 so much!
> 
> rue and lexi's talk on the couch was another favorite moment of mine because it feels like they're starting to come into their thoughts and feelings (and actually sharing them with each other, thank the gods (percy jackson reference)).
> 
> as always, tell me what you liked! i love hearing your thoughts and commentary so much! unfortunately, i have finally sort of caught up to my writing, so i have most of the next chapter written, but it is not yet complete :( hoping to finish today though! i'll try my best, AND i might not even get high for this next chap and see if that boosts my productivity lol we'll see. I'm doing it for YOU and YOU ONLY (and my BANK ACCOUNT and maybe MY LUNGS)
> 
> P.S. I have a tumblr that i suck at using but if u wanna ask questions or anything on there u can?? its margobruh (not gonna link bc idk how  
P.P.S. I have another rexi story idea... its a road trip au...... lmk if that's something u guys wanna see.........  
P.P.P.S. i'm feeling like i sound like a huge stoner (which is fine! you do you sister!) but I'm not really. this is a long note i feel obnoxious see u later clowns


	6. Lexi Cannot Catch a Break and Rue Cannot Focus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> really didn't think that i was gonna have Lexi touch herself again but here we are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no kiss this chapter but it will be in the next one!

Lexi awoke to the sound of a door opening. She felt warm and snug, realizing that she and Rue must have fallen asleep on the couch. The TV emitted a soft glow but the volume had been turned down, and she desperately wanted to fall back asleep. Especially since Rue had moved to hold her from behind, her soft breaths irritating the loose curls by Lexi’s ear. It would be so, so easy to press back into Rue and return to her dreamless sleep.

Except that Gia and Leslie had now entered the living room and were staring a little dumbfounded down at the two girls on the couch. Lexi tensed slightly, deciding she should probably get up, but Rue, still asleep, sensed her movement and pulled her in closer, nosing at the nape of Lexi’s neck. 

She resisted the urge to shiver, feeling goosebumps rise on her skin, her body flushing with warmth. Definitely wasn’t the time. 

“Hey, sorry,” Lexi whispered. “I guess we fell asleep while watching TV.” She gently removed Rue’s arm that was around her waist, and sat up. 

Leslie was still looking a little curiously at her daughter sleeping so soundly on the couch. “Feel free to stay. It’s late, and I’m sure Rue would want you to,” she said with a kind smile.

Gia still hadn’t said a word, but her lips were pulling into a smirk and her eyebrows raised just a little, as if she was in on some joke that no one else knew. “Yeah, definitely. Rue loves to cuddle,” she assured. 

Lexi turned her head to look down at the sleeping girl, who now had her arms wrapped around herself, colder without Lexi’s body heat. “Thank you for the offer, but my mom might worry,” Lexi said, even though she knew her mom definitely wouldn’t. And Leslie and Gia probably knew that too, but they didn’t pry. 

She wasn’t sure why she didn’t want to stay. The thought of waking up the next morning in Rue’s arms was like a dream come true. But, maybe she needed a little space to think. Thinking was something Lexi was generally good at. But not around Rue. And, they had fallen asleep by accident. Lexi didn’t want a full night with Rue to happen by accident, without Rue even realizing it. The sensation of waking up to Rue would be cheapened knowing that Rue didn’t explicitly invite Lexi to stay.

Also, the last time, Rue had left before Lexi woke up. Lexi didn’t want to put Rue in that awkward position in her own home.

So, she stood up, saying goodbye and giving her thanks to Gia and Leslie and left after turning back one last time to take in Rue’s peaceful, sleeping form. She looked smaller and younger somehow. The ongoing stresses in her life wiped away in rest.

Checking her phone, Lexi saw it was almost midnight, so she didn’t bother calling Cassie to pick her up in case her sister was asleep. A walk might do her some good anyway. It was the perfect opportunity to think about the situation she had just crafted in a moment of weakness. Not weakness, she decided. Love. And a little bit lust.

The night air was cool and brought goose bumps to Lexi’s arms, but it also helped to clear her head of the sleep-induced (Rue-induced) fog.

Lexi really did want to help Rue. Her intentions were honest and clear, so it wasn’t like she had a guilty conscience or anything. She was more… anxious about what this could mean for herself. Hanging out with Rue was one thing, but tutoring and SAT prep could mean long hours and late nights and close quarters and basically just a lot of opportunities for Lexi to fall even deeper in love with her best friend. Which was fine. She was fine. She would be fine. Right? (Probably not. That wouldn’t stop her, though.)

And what about Jules? Rue never explained what the deal with them was or what Jules had texted her. What if Rue only wanted Lexi’s help so that she could eventually escape this town with Jules and go to college with her? Was Lexi setting herself up for pain?

No, that couldn’t be a factor in Lexi’s mind. Even if Rue did want to leave here with someone else, even if Rue wanted someone else, she still deserved some good. Still deserved some help to achieve was she wanted. And what Rue wanted, maybe more than anything, was to leave their tiny, fucked up town.

And, at the same time, the anxiety did nothing to quell the excitement and butterflies growing in Lexi’s stomach. She cared about Rue and was doing something nice for her, and of course it helped that it meant they could spend more time together. Maybe they could get back the friendship they used to have, at the very least. Maybe they could even be more. But Lexi would try not to fool herself. Too much. 

By the time she arrived home and was getting ready for bed, Lexi was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to fall into bed. Actually, what she wanted more was to fall into bed with Rue, but she was well acquainted with sleeping alone. It would have to do. 

\- - -

In the morning, Lexi was groggy and confused when she first awoke, unsure of where she was, or perhaps just wishing she were somewhere else. She decided to shower to shake off the cobwebs, and under the steam her mind began to wander. 

Her hands, too.

She wasn’t sure if it was a dream she couldn’t remember or just her sleepy body still aching for the feel of Rue against her, but a warm pull had settled between Lexi’s legs. She was hesitant to touch herself, scarred from the memory of Cassie walking in on her, but the hot water running over her body and the steam filling the room was too much to resist. 

Skipping the buildup, Lexi slid her hand down her abdomen, slippery with water and lingering traces of soap. The moment she brushed against the bundle of nerves at the apex of her slit, her whole body jerked. Already, she was worked up, sensitive.

Using the pads of her index and middle fingers, she gently rubbed circles over her clit, too sensitive for more than that. For now. 

Rather than think of Rue, which was her first thought, she tried to just think of an ambiguous, abstract, blurred body pressing against her own. A made-up face pressing into the crook of her neck, planting sloppy wet kisses there, before moving up to her jaw, her lips. 

Lexi braced her other hand against the wall, feeling a little weak in the knees from the pleasure running through her body. She clenched her jaw to prevent any noises from slipping out while continuing the motion of the hand between her thighs. She could feel herself getting wet, her arousal pulsing out of her, making it more difficult to keep the movement of her hand focused where she wanted it. But it didn’t matter. Hell or high water, she would get there. 

She was tempted to push a finger or two inside, almost desperate for something to clench around, but if she did that, she might wish for someone else’s long, dexterous fingers. Fingers that could reach places she couldn’t, that could probably curl against her front wall just right. Her breath hitched. It was impossible to push away thoughts of Rue for long.

So she gave in. Rue flashed through her mind, fast and almost violent. Hands, tongue, lips, legs, it was all too much for Lexi, and she had to increase the speed of her fingers, pressing harder, needing more.

It was the thought of Rue’s eyes boring into Lexi’s own that did her in. Her breath quickened, and she couldn’t help but release a couple of little whimpers. The feeling was just too much and the waves of pleasure were rapidly coming close to crashing into orgasm. She just needed—

Lexi gave all the way in to the will of her mind, imagining Rue leaned over her, bringing her full lips to Lexi’s ear and brushing lightly over the shell. Once, twice. Then, Rue’s deep voice whispered, “Come for me, Lex.” And she did.

A yelp slipped from Lexi’s mouth, but she didn’t even care. She tried to hold in any more whimpers threatening to escape, but was only semi successful. The best she could do was keep them as quiet as possible. 

Through it all, she never ceased the pressure on her clit as wave after wave of pleasure rolled through her body. It was excruciating in the best way, trying to hold onto the feeling, the bursts of sensation wracking through her body. She could feel strands of her arousal dripping down her inner thighs, could feel herself clenching down on nothing, over and over, but all too soon, she started to come down from the high.

Her body was buzzing in the afterglow, and Lexi felt renewed. The water had long since run cold, and in the heat of her orgasm, she hadn’t noticed, but it became uncomfortable now. So, after once last rinse, she turned off the faucet and stepped out. 

Figuring only her sister would be home, if that, Lexi just wrapped herself in a towel and made the short walk to her room, pushing open the door, and—

“JESUS, RUE! What the hell?” Because there, sitting on her bed, flipping through one of Lexi’s books was Rue, calm as ever. Almost too calm. (Though, when she looked up, there was some kind of unrecognizable look in her eyes and her nostrils slightly flared, like she was breathing hard. In Lexi’s panic, she ignored it.)

At least she managed to hold onto her towel.

“Sorry, Lex, Cassie let me in! I thought you would change in the bathroom,” Rue put her hands in the air in apology. 

Lexi’s heart was still racing, a harsh change from the warm, afterglow of her orgasm. It wasn’t possible that Rue had heard her, right? Lexi tried not to even entertain the thought. It was too horrible to consider.

She took a deep breath, clenching the towel closer to her body. “It’s okay. I just, didn’t expect you is all. You scared the shit out of me.” 

Rue’s eyes danced over Lexi’s body, resulting in a blush blooming over her cheeks and down her neck and chest, all exposed by her lack of clothing. Lexi caught Rue swallowing hard. Was Rue checking her out?

There was a tense silence for a moment while Rue seemed to struggle to keep her eyes at Lexi’s face level. Then, she pushed out a breath and said, “I think I’ll just wait downstairs while you change, and then we can go.”

Rue was already halfway out the door when Lexi called out confused, “Wait, go where?” 

Stopping but not turning around, hands flexing at her sides, Rue replied, “Oh, oops, sorry. I thought we could go to the bookstore and find some SAT prep workbooks.” She sounded nervous, and Lexi wanted to reach out to comfort her.

“Okay, yeah,” Lexi reassured. “That’s a good idea. I’ll meet you down there.” She smiled even though Rue couldn’t see it.

Rue just said, “Cool.” And she turned and walked away, but not before turning her head just enough to catch one last glance at Lexi. Rue’s eyes looked dark, almost black. 

She was being weird. Usually Rue would have made a joke about Lexi’s modesty or something. This antsy, nervous energy version of her best friend was new. And a little worrying. Not because Lexi thought it might be drugs (she could tell Rue was still clean), but because… Well, how long had Rue been sitting there? Long enough to catch any of Lexi’s whimpers? 

She could only pray to the universe that her noises fell short of Rue’s hearing. But unfortunately, she knew the universe was usually deaf to her prayers.

After quickly pulling on a sweater and a pair of Jeans, Lexi practically skipped down the stairs to meet Rue. Regardless of her worries, Lexi really did feel like she had released some tension, so she tried only to focus on that and ignored the fact that Rue might now know what Lexi sounded like when she came. 

Would Rue like it? 

She quickly shook off the thought.

They grabbed their bikes and took off. Rue was being a little quiet, but once they got going and the wind was blowing her hair back and the sun was bathing her in glowing light, she seemed fine. They weaved back and forth in the middle of the street, no cars in sight. The town was always more deserted when school was out on break. 

The one bookstore that was close enough to get to without a car was called Loose Leaf Books. It used to be run by a sweet, old man that knew Lexi by name (she liked to read, that didn’t mean she was a nerd!), but he had gotten too old to actually work in the store anymore. Lexi missed seeing him when she went, but she had sort of gotten used to the new employee. 

“Hey, Lexi, how’s it going? We’ve missed you around here.” The girl behind the desk smiled and perked up, and Rue looked back and forth between them, confused. 

“Pretty good,” Lexi returned with an easy smile. She gestured to Rue and said, “We’re looking for SAT prep stuff, do you know where that would be?”

“Hmm,” the girl replied. “I think it should be in that back left corner, but I can bring you over there if you like?” She smiled warmly, her eyes crinkling and completely focused on Lexi.

Rue stepped closer to Lexi’s side and braced her left forearm on Lexi’s shoulder, an easy feat since she was so tall. “I think we’ll be able to find it.” Then, Rue reached out a hand, “I’m Rue by the way. Lexi’s friend. I didn’t catch your name.” Her mannerisms were polite on paper but her curt tone told another story. Lexi could only watch the scene unfold, perplexed at why Rue seemed almost angry. 

“Nice to meet you, Rue. I’m Molly,” she shook Rue’s hand good-naturedly. “Lexi’s one of our best customers,” she added, maybe to lighten the mood.

“Yeah, Lexi likes reading.” She paused then added, “We’ve known each other forever.” 

This was uncomfortable and weird. Lexi didn’t know what to think about it. She’d never seen Rue act like this. 

“Oh, that’s cool.” Molly, just as confused at the shortness in the exchange, turned back to Lexi and gave a genuine smile, “Well let me know if you need anymore help. I’ll be right here.” 

Lexi thanked Molly for her help and all but dragged Rue deeper into the store.

Once out of earshot of Molly, Lexi asked Rue, “Are you good?”

Rue browsed the shelves, not returning Lexi’s gaze. “Yeah, why?”

“I don’t know. You didn’t seem to like Molly very much,” Lexi answered, unsure.

Grabbing one of the workbooks and scanning the cover, Rue responded, “She’s fine.” And then, “Do you like her?” The tone she used was conversational, but something lingered behind the front she was putting up. 

Lexi gave up trying to get Rue to look at her and started looking over the workbook options as well. “I don’t know her that well, but yeah, she’s nice I guess?” She couldn’t help but phrase it as a question. 

“She graduated like five years ago.” It was like Rue was trying to get at something, but Lexi still didn’t know what. 

“It was one year ago. Are you upset? What does her age have to do with anything?” Lexi tried to keep her voice down but was genuinely curious at what Rue was trying to say, so it was a little hard.

Rue continued looking along the shelves, picking books up and putting them back down without really checking if it was what they needed or not. “Well,” she stated, as if it was obvious, “She just seems a little old to be hitting on someone in high school.”

Lexi froze and scrunched up her face, working through Rue’s words. “Wait, you’re upset because she was flirting with you?”

C’mon Lexi. Really?

“No! What? I’m upset that she was flirting with you! I mean—“

Lexi’s mouth fell open and her heart skipped a beat. “Oh?” 

Rue craned her neck a little so it was easier to look into Lexi’s eyes. “That came out wrong.” She visibly shook her head back and forth, trying to find the words. “I just, I don’t want anyone to take advantage of you,” she finished quietly, looking at Lexi through her eyelashes, vulnerable.

Swallowing hard, Lexi tried to get her thoughts in order. For a moment, Rue had seemed jealous, but that couldn’t be right. Not only did Rue have no reason to be jealous, but also, why would she feel that way? She was in love with Jules. Maybe she was possessive of their rekindling friendship? Lexi wasn’t sure. Of anything. All the questions were filling up her head and making it impossible to think straight.

(But, if Rue really was jealous, in whatever sense, Lexi might allow herself to hope. Just maybe.)

Awkwardly, Rue turned to face the books again, constantly shifting on her feet. Lexi wanted to reassure her, but she didn’t want to make the situation any more uncomfortable. 

She picked up two copies of a workbook that seemed to cover what they needed and spoke softly, “Honestly, I think Molly’s just being friendly, but even if she wasn’t, I don’t think of her that way.” It was simple but true. Lexi only had eyes for one person. Of course, she couldn’t tell Rue that. “Here, I think these should work,” she said, handing one of the copies to Rue. 

“Wait,” Rue said, reaching out to take the workbook still in Lexi’s hands. “Lemme pay for both. Since you’re helping me out.” She smiled, seemingly having shaken off the weirdness about Molly and went to pay without another word.

Rue and Lexi rode back to Rue’s house afterwards. Rue wanted to get started right away and again mentioned that her house was empty, so it would be perfect for working. Lexi was happy wherever, agreeing easily, knowing that if her own family was home, it would be a huge distraction. It was a wonder that Lexi ever managed to get anything done there. 

When Lexi went to sit down at the table, Rue suggested that they work in her room because sitting on the bed would be comfier. So, the two girls plopped down on the bed, facing each other with their books splayed out between them. 

“Okay,” Lexi began, “I think we should both do this first short section on our own and compare and go over everything when we’re done. Is that good with you?”

Rue flicked her eyes back and forth between Lexi’s. She seemed kind of twitchy again, but when she agreed after a moment, Lexi brushed it off and got to work. 

About five minutes in, Lexi noticed something was wrong. Rue was blankly staring at one spot in the page and was rapidly tapping her pencil on the page. The sound didn’t necessarily bother Lexi that much, but it looked as if Rue hadn’t completed a single question.

“Rue,” she began tentatively, “Do you need help?”

“Nah, I’m good.” But she didn’t stop tapping. And she didn’t look up. 

Lexi gently placed her hand on top of Rue’s fidgeting one to get her attention. “Talk to me, Rue. I know this stuff can be daunting, but that’s why we’re doing it together, so I can—“

Rue interrupted, finally making direct eye contact with Lexi,” I heard you this morning.”

Stomach dropping, Lexi thought maybe she could play dumb. “What?”

But of course, Rue wouldn’t give up that easily. “In the shower. I heard you. And-and I can’t really stop thinking about it?”

So that was why Rue had been acting off all day. Lexi didn’t know what to think. Or say. Oh god. She should have learned her lesson the first time she got caught touching herself. She was horrified, but Rue didn’t seem to be teasing her or anything like that, so why was she bringing it up?

Lexi pulled her hand away from Rue’s and rubbed her hands over her face, wanting any excuse to be able to hide from Rue’s intense stare. “I don’t know what to say.” Not being able to sit still, Lexi rose from the bed and paced back and forth, Rue watching her all the while in silence. “I was tense, okay, and I thought it would help, and I don’t know! I don’t know. It felt good, how was I supposed to know you were sitting on my fucking bed? Fuck. Fuck!” She paused a moment, but Rue just kept looking at her with those dark eyes. “Please say something. Don’t make me talk anymore.” Lexi stopped pacing and forced herself to look at Rue.

“I’m sorry,” Rue said. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you or freak you out.”

“Then why’d you bring it up! Jesus, Rue.” Lexi’s face was burning hotter than it ever had before, she almost felt like she could cry. 

“I don’t know! Just whenever we’re close I keep hearing you, over and over and—“ She made a twirling motion with her index finger next to her temple, indicating the over and over and o—

“I get it, Rue. Please stop,” Lexi was pleading at that point.

“I know, I’m sorry.” And she did look sorry for causing Lexi distress. But Lexi didn’t even know the half of it yet. “But, when I heard you, it got me thinking. About what I can do for you. Since you’re helping me so much…”

Again, Lexi wasn’t dumb, but she was a little slow on the come up sometimes. But Rue just waited patiently for realization to settle on Lexi’s gentle features. And it did, after a moment.

Lexi couldn’t believe it. She stared at Rue, trying to figure out if she was joking or not, though she knew Rue wouldn’t play with her like that. But, still, it felt like a dream. 

Doubts crept in too, though. Lexi understood that Rue wanted to return the favor, but why like this? Was it possible that she wanted Lexi, if just a little bit? If just physically?

Lexi closed her eyes and tried to slow her breathing. “Are you saying that in return for me tutoring you, you’ll what? Hook up with me? I’m not some charity case; you don’t have to feel sorry that I’m not getting any. I’m fine,” Lexi grew defensive. Afraid to get her hopes up that maybe this was something that Rue actually wanted.

As Rue scooted so that she was sitting on the edge of the bed, reaching out for her, Lexi thought maybe it was too late.

Rue just waited, letting Lexi decide whether or not to move into her arms. And she did. Of course she did. She stepped into Rue’s open arms, grateful that she was the taller one for once, so she could at least pretend that she had some control over the situation.

Rue looked up at Lexi, her eyes bright and open, and pulled Lexi’s arms down from where they had crossed over her chest, gently intertwining their fingers. “Lex, I don’t think that. At all. I shouldn’t have put it like that. Like it’s some big favor to you. Like I wouldn’t be getting anything out of it. That sounded bad. I’m sorry.” She brought Lexi’s hands lower to cup her face, giving herself over. (Metaphorically speaking, obviously.) 

In Lexi’s head, gears were working overtime, trying to process what Rue was saying, trying to figure out if this was actually happening, trying to decide what she wanted. If she considered this, would it change something between them? Would she want that? And what if things went south, and Lexi lost Rue? That wasn’t an option. It couldn’t be. At the same time, Lexi couldn’t picture that happening. They always fell back together eventually.

At Lexi’s silence, Rue went on, “You know better than anyone how my brain works. When I heard you, in the shower, it just got stuck on a loop in my head. Like a song on replay or something. It got me thinking about a lot of things. Like how Jules is staying in the city over the break and I’m not mad at her but I’m still upset with her and I don’t even really think I have reason to be.” 

Rue seemed lost in her own thoughts at that point, still speaking to Lexi, but working things out in her own head as went. “With her gone, though, I’m realizing that I’m probably not ready for something so all-encompassing. It was too much too fast.” 

Lexi was confused. Yeah, she was confused all the time these days, but Rue overhearing Lexi masturbate made her think of her and Jules’s relationship? What? “Rue, I don’t know if I’m following,” she spoke honestly, rubbing her thumbs over Rue’s cheekbones like she did the night of the dance. It was soothing. For the both of them.

“I guess I’m trying to say that maybe I’m lonely. And maybe I don’t want to be lonely anymore.” And she spoke so vulnerably, so openly, that Lexi wanted nothing more than to kiss her right then. 

But Lexi was a coward. And she hated it. 

At first, in Lexi’s opinion, it sort of seemed like it could end up being a bad idea. But, Rue clearly wanted it, and good god, Lexi wanted Rue. Why couldn’t that be enough of a reason for two friends to cure their loneliness in each other? Couldn’t they be enough for each other? Lexi thought so.

And what’s the worse that could happen? Lexi could, what, fall in love with Rue? Already done. Sure, Lexi had no idea what would happen when Jules came back, but now was enough. She was going to do what she wanted.

“Lexi?” Rue asked hesitantly. “What do you think? I don’t want you to feel pressured. I only want whatever you want.”

That settled it, then. So, Lexi opened her mouth, ready to agree but what came out unwilling was, “I don’t have much experience.” 

Would she ever stop embarrassing herself? Probably not. 

Rue smiled, teasingly. “Is that supposed to be a dealbreaker, Lex? You know it doesn’t matter to me.” She brought her hands up to where Lexi’s were still resting on her face.

“Okay,” Lexi said.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Lexi could feel her body thrumming with both nerves and excitement, a delicious blend. “How’s it gonna work?”

“Well,” Rue stood up, now towering over Lexi, “Remember when you were going to freshman formal with that guy and you wanted to practice kissing?”

Lexi could only nod, her eyes darting between Rue’s eyes and lips, hands still planted on Rue’s cheeks.

Rue brought her hands to Lexi’s waist and pushed in closer, noses almost brushing. “It’ll be a little like that. Except this time, we won’t be sitting two feet away from each other, and I don’t want you to keep your hands to yourself.” Her voice was husky, looking like she was just as affected by the anticipation and closeness as Lexi was.

And boy, Lexi really, really was. At Rue’s words, it took tremendous effort to not immediately close the distance and give in completely. She wanted it so bad, and her body called out to Rue, every nerve sensing the heat of Rue’s body. Every atom fighting to touch. Every cell coming alive, urging Lexi closer, closer, closer. 

Lexi saw Rue lick her lips in slow motion, and she was ready for what came next. But her brain, her dumb brain, had other ideas. Lexi placed a hand on Rue’s chest, stopping her from making the final move. 

The taller girl stepped back immediately, ripping her hands from Lexi’s body, afraid she’d done something wrong. 

Rushing to reassure her, Lexi said, “Wait, I’m sorry. I do want this, but I was serious about helping you study.” She couldn’t believe it. Was she twatblocking herself? It had to be a first. She was a disaster.

“Oh,” Rue laughed lightly, her confidence put on hold. “Right.” She wiped her hands on her pants for something to do. “Guess we should get to it, then, huh?” And she plopped back down on the bed, making herself comfortable before picking up her pencil and starting the section they were working on originally.

Lexi followed, internally cussing herself out for denying her the taste of Rue’s lips, the gentle but sure touch of Rue’s hands. “How about just one section for now?” She tried to say it nonchalantly, but there was a more than a hint of want in her voice.

Rue smirked but didn’t say a word. The only sound was the scratching of pencil filling in an answer bubble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! i'm back at school again so my schedule has been busier but believe me when i say I'm not giving up on this story! i've already started working on the next chapter and our favorite disaster gays finally have their first kiss! sorry for teasing it in this one but i had to do it to 'em. Thanks for reading and as always tell me what you liked!
> 
> tumblr: margobruh

**Author's Note:**

> a couple things to note:  
first, i've never posted my writing anywhere, so if you absolutely despise this story, spare me the details and show yourself out, no hard feelings buddy :)  
second, im not anti jules!! I loved her character and i think she's out here doing the best she can  
lastly, i don't have a definite plan for this story. the past few days i just ended up high and channeled my clown college studies into writing this fic. i love rue and lexi and i love the thought of them together and i miss euphoria. if that sounds like you, let's get this bread  
P.S. remember, i was high, so proofreading was minimal  
P.P.S. i already have more written so let me know if u want to see it


End file.
